


Got His Teeth Fixed (I'm Gonna Break Them)

by grainyangel



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, M/M, The rumors are true, anyone who isn't Nicke or Ovi really only makes minor appearances, bodyguard Alex Ovechkin, canon divergence: Ovi's suits are tailored and actually fit him, feelings ARE hard to navigate, posh billionaire Nick Backstrom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-05 17:54:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16815589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grainyangel/pseuds/grainyangel
Summary: Nick looked like himself. Older, of course, but not so much so as Alex himself. Same flaxen hair, and long like he’d always worn it. Same green eyes, like light through a bottle. Same pointed nose. Same soft cheeks. And he looked surprised to see Alex there. Yeah. Surprised was the word. But he didn’t look angry. Thank god, he didn’t look angry.-Nick Bäckström is a billionaire CEO and heir to a corporate empire. Alex Ovechkin is his personal security detail. It's been a while. They're reconnecting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Jo made me do it! 
> 
> Endless thanks to my partner in thought crime, Robyn. Couldn't have done it without you! Thanks also to Aisling for the moral support.
> 
> Title from Los Campesinos!'s _We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed_.

Nicklas woke up tired. Which was annoying, because for once he didn’t have an alarm set. With no early meetings, he allowed himself the small indulgence of sleeping in, just today. Sleeping in now, though, wasn’t what it used to be. It was only around nine. And he was still tired. Might as well not have even bothered. Nick swung his legs out of bed. He reached for the remote on his nightstand, pressed the button, and tossed the remote back as the blinds on the tall windows in his bedroom rolled up with a mechanic hum to let in the light of the morning sun. He closed his eyes against it, sitting there with his face to the windows, hoping it might help him load up on the energy he was missing.

He had an Event, capital E, coming up. Nick had never been big on Events, no matter the nature of them. This one was a charity something-or-other. Public image meant a lot, Nick was aware of that much, making appearances at these things was more or less required of him. His father was going to be there, mother too. Friends of the family. Friends of the company. Investors, associates, board members, shareholders. Some press too. Nick’s personal hell. Just delightful. Nick always had an escort for events like these. He’d had bodyguards around for as long as he could remember, being who he was, being born into the family that he was. A corporate heir. Conglomerate successor at an international scale. Scion of the Bäckström clan. In other words, he couldn’t just duck out and he couldn’t go alone. And his usual detail had requested leave. Mike just had a kid and was going on paternity leave. Nick was happy for him, of course, but the process of finding a replacement and getting to know them was tedious. In theory, the agency could just assign him anyone in the system, but with connections like the ones Nicklas had, he was able to be a little picky, he might make a pass on someone he didn’t get along with. After all, they’d be spending most of the day, on most days, together. He had a few different guys coming through since Mike’s request had been processed. He hadn’t had to make any major appearances or go on any big excursions, so he’d been making do with temps since he’d just been back and forth between his home and his office. The meeting he had at the office that afternoon was to meet with who was likely to be Mike’s permanent replacement. Nick liked to meet up with the new guys, get to know them a bit, feel them out, before just putting his life into the hands of a stranger. The meeting was at 11. He had plenty of time to get ready. Having this much time in the morning was a rare luxury. Nick is aiming to make it to the office with some time to spare, so he could swing by Eller’s office on the floor below and run a couple of things by him. 

Nick sighed as he finally got out of bed. Outside the sky was clear save for a handful of fluffy white clouds, and the city far below was alive. The floor-to-ceiling windows were south-facing, and the apartment quickly warmed with the blinds up. Nicklas had slept in his boxers and he stripped them off on the walk to the bathroom and tossed them in the direction of the hamper without looking before reaching in and turning on the water in the shower. The water came out hot more or less immediately, but he still took a few moments to inspect his own reflection in the mirror. He ran a hand through his hair. He knew his mother was going to tell him to get a haircut next time he saw her. He’d tell her that he was going to but really, he probably wouldn’t. Even his father had told him more than once that he looked unprofessional. But Nicklas liked it long.   
He’d never been a bad kid when he was young, he’d never really acted out and gotten that out of his system, so his quiet rebellion carried over to adulthood and he kept his hair long. He might brush it for the Event, though. That would make his mother happy. Might even put some product in it. Probably not. But he’d consider it. 

Nick put on some music in the apartment after he came out of the shower. _Alexa, play, uh, Untitled Playlist 2._ He made coffee. He fixed himself breakfast with a towel wrapped around his hips; a green smoothie, kale, spinach, apple, mixed berries, chia seeds, powdered mushroom protein. He drank it straight from the cup of the bullet blender as he shuffled back to his bedroom and to the closet to pick out what to wear for the day. The navy suit was back from dry cleaning and he thought he might like to pair it with the sea foam shirt. He’d gotten plenty of grief from his father about not wearing ties, but Nick thought he might have finally let it go. Nick only did ties formally. The only people who still wore ties to the office every day, were those who’d been at the company long enough to have worked alongside Nicklas’ father back in the day. Wearing one to work felt a bit like a thing of a time gone past. He decided against the sea foam in favor of a pale blue, a safer choice.

Nick was met in the lobby by Nate, one of the rotating temps, who was to escort him to the office. They shook hands and Nick nodded to the doorman as they exited the building, and Nick got into the backseat of the glossy but otherwise nondescript black car Nate had arrived in, and Nate got in behind the wheel. The drive was quiet. Nick checked his email on his phone.   
Nick thanked Nate as he got out and Nate drove on. 

Lars Eller, colleague and friend of Nick’s, had just returned from a trip overseas. He was just hanging up his phone when he noticed Nick stepping out of elevator.

“Nick!” he called and came towards him to meet him halfway and he put his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“Lars,” Nick greeted. “Thought I might catch you here. When d’you get back?”

“Landed yesterday evening.”

“And back at office the very next day.”

“You know how it is.”

“That I do.”

“So, what can I do you for?”

“Just checking in, you free to get lunch sometime this week?”

“Think so. Could make time anyway. Walk with me,” Eller said and they walked back to Eller’s own office as he caught Nick up on how the trip had gone. 

“… but they’re coming around. The disinterest seems like a front, I don’t buy it. And I talked to a representative from NUS, you might hear from him at some point.”

“Good.”

“Right, and Julie wants to know if we’re gonna see you and Sofia’s party.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good to hear. I’ve got a call in five, I’ll have Andy talk to Maria about the lunch.”

“Perfect, see you around.”

Eller gave Nick’s shoulder another pat and Nick turned back to head for the elevator again.

Maria was at her desk outside of Nick’s office. She looked up as he came towards her.

“Mr. Bäckström, you got a couple of calls.”  
“Yeah?”

“Yes, Mr. Nylander, who said he’d call back later,” she said, “and your father.”

“He leave a message?”

“He said to remind you about the people from SDU coming in tomorrow, and the NLC evening next week.”

“Huh. That all?” 

“No,” Maria said and cracked a smile, “not quite. He also said to tell you to call him back when you got in, I figured he’d tell you himself.” Nick returned her smile. 

“Will you be needing lunch?”

“No, thank you I only just had breakfast.”

“Just call if you change your mind.”

“Of course, thank you, Maria,” Nick said. He passed her to get to his office and closed the door behind him.

Nick thought that call to his father could probably wait a bit, he was pretty sure he knew what he wanted to talk about, and it’s wasn’t really anything he was burning to discuss.

Rather than sitting down, Nick stood leaning on his arms over his desk. He opened his laptop and refreshed his inbox to see if he’d received any new emails in the time it took him to ride the elevator up to his floor. He opened one he knew he could reply to in a couple of minutes.

The phone on Nick’s desk rang then, breaking the silence. He picked it up.

_“Your mother is on the line,_ ” said Maria’s voice.

“Thank you, just put her through.”

“ _Nicke!_ ” was the first thing his mother said.

“Mamma,” Nick said. He smiled into his phone upon hearing her voice. Nick’s mother was a very feeling woman, every time they talked she acted like she hadn’t heard from him in weeks. He loved that about her. There was a case to be made for her emotion so juxtaposed next to the corporate unfeeling business of his general life, and next to his father who was the living embodiment of those very qualities. 

“ _Did you hear from Pappa? He mentioned he was going to call you._ ”

“I missed it, I only just got in, I was just about to call him back.”

“ _Have you been in touch with the security agency? How is it going with finding  
someone to take Mike’s place?_”

“I have, I’m meeting someone today. Possible replacement.”

“ _Oh, good! I hope he’s good, you know I like to know you are in good hands. I did so like Mike, he was very good at his job._ ” 

“I’m sure whoever the agency picked out will be perfectly capable.” 

“ _Of course, oh, and Nicklas, are you ready for next week, the gala, you know?_ ”

“Yes, Mamma.”

“ _Are you… are you bringing… anyone along?_ ” she asked, and Nicklas sighed.

“No, Mamma, it’s just me, you know I would have told you if I was.”

“ _Yes, yes, I know._ ” She took a moment, “ _it’s only, it would be so nice, well, you should know that your father agrees, if you had someone, you know, someone special._ ” Here she left a moment of silence for Nick to interject, perhaps that he had indeed a secret lover stowed away for special occasions. Nick said nothing, only waited for her to go on. “ _Someone you could bring to evenings like these,” Nick’s mother continued. “You know I worry sometimes, that maybe you’re lonely–_ ”

“Mamma, don’t, I’m really not, I’m perfectly–”

“ _…and you know, when your father was your age I’d already known him for years, we had just gotten married,_ ” his mother continued like he hadn’t said anything. Nick had been pacing back and forth behind his desk as he had been talking, and now he stopped and leaned back against it, half sitting half standing, facing the view of the city.

“I know, Mamma, but you know how much I work…” 

“ _Gosh, you really are just like your father, always working, never taking a break. I just think, you know, a sweet girl–_ ”

“Is that what you called to talk about?” Nick said with a little more edge to his voice than he meant to, and he quickly added, “and you know, if I’d met someone, you’d be the first to know.” There was a knock on the door to Nick’s office.

“ _Yes, Nicke, I know–_ ”

“Mamma, I have to go, I have an appointment.” The knock came again.

“ _Alright, well, I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow. Do you know what you’re wearing? Have you picked anything–_ ”

“Mamma, I really have to go, alright? Love you, see you soon.” He hung up.

The knocking came a third time.

“Come in,” Nicklas called without getting up or turning. 

Maria stuck her head into the room and said: “Your eleven o’clock.” Nick just nodded over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

Maria ducked back out and someone entered and closed the door behind them. Then whoever had just entered cleared their throat. Nicklas looked up. And he blinked, and then blinked again to see if his mind was playing a trick, if he was seeing things, if he could clear his vision. Nothing changed. The same man was standing there, facing him, back to the closed door. He was older, and bigger than Nick remembered him, but it was the very same.

“Alex…” Nick said. That was Alexander Ovechkin standing across the room from him.

“Mr. Bäckström.”

“What are you…?”

“I’m your new personal security detail,” Alex said, cool, like he hadn’t appeared out of nowhere without a single word of warning, and he added: “sir.” Which unexpectedly stung Nick. “You put in a request with the agency for a replacement, no?”

“No, yes, I did, I just…”

“And you requested a meeting.”

“Yeah,” said Nick.

“I’m it,” Alex said, “and here I am.” Nick just stood there, he didn’t know what to think, but he realized what he must look like, dumbfounded as he was, so he decidedly gathered himself and put away whatever unprocessed reactions he had for a later time.

“Alright.” Nick took a breath, and then remembered himself. “Alex.” And in a split-second Nick wondered if it was appropriate to use the nickname, and not his full name or just surname, but he dismissed the thought, he simply said: “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Alex agreed.  
Nick folded down the screen on his laptop without fully closing it, and then stepped around his large desk. He decided that he should shake Alex’s hand. When he got close enough he reached out his own for Alex to take. 

“You’re well?”

“I am, thank you.”  
This close to him, Nicklas could see that it had not been a trick of the light, Alex’s hair really was graying. It made him look older than he actually was, being only a couple of years older than Nick himself. Nicklas almost said something ridiculous like _it’s good to see you again_ or _where have you been_ , but he swallowed the urge. 

Nick had a phone meeting later that afternoon, and then he had a casual sit down with a possible investor later. When Alex asked if Nicklas would be in need of his services at any point during the day, Nick told him as much. Alex nodded in acknowledgement. Alex then signed the things he needed to sign. An NDA among other such documents.  
Alex asked when Nick would need him to drive Nick home, and Nick gave him a time. Then Alex left Nick, a little stunned, to his business, for the time being.

*

Nick looked like himself. Older, of course, but not so much so as Alex himself. Same flaxen hair, and long like he’d always worn it. Same green eyes, like light through a bottle. Same pointed nose. Same soft cheeks. And he looked surprised to see Alex there. Yeah. Surprised was the word. But he didn’t look angry. Thank god, he didn’t look angry.

*

The phone meeting went well, Nick thought. He was a little distracted, but was pretty sure his collected front was passable. He hadn’t expected to hear from Alex because he didn’t think he would ever see him again, and even less so, for him to show up at his office. His new bodyguard was Alex Ovechkin. An older Alex Ovechkin. Alex Ovechkin would once again follow Nick around, shadowlike and stoic, he’d be the one to drive Nick where he needed to go, be the one in whose hands Nick put his life and safety. It didn’t feel completely real, not even when Alex appeared again and stood by the door to Nick’s office as he gathered his things. Especially not when he greeted him with a _Mr. Bäckström_. Not when they rode the elevator down together in without a word, Nick trying to determine if that was Alex’s eyes at the back of his neck that he was feeling, or if he only imagined it. And not even when Nick got into another black car, and Alex got in behind the wheel and they drove to Nick’s home in completely silence.

Alex stopped the car at the curb in front of the building, idling for a moment before turning off the engine. They both exited the car at the same time, Alex a few paces in front of Nick, nodding at the doorman as they entered the building. Nick pressed the button to call the elevator.

“You got any more need me for anything tonight?” Alex asked and Nick blinked back to reality to answer.

“No,” he said. “Thank you. You, uh…”

“I’ll be here to pick you up tomorrow morning, I’ve already talked to Maria, she’s given me the full schedule.”

“Right, yes, Maria, she’s a good one, she’s the one to talk to–” God he was completely rambling. Nick cut himself off. “See you tomorrow,” he said. “Good evening, Alex,” Nick nodded a little stiffly, and Alex nodded back but didn’t say anything. When the elevator arrived, Nick stepped in and Alex stayed put. Alex nodded once more just as the doors began to close and Nick just saw his turn and go through the last inch of space before the doors completely closed and the elevator ascended. 

When Nick closed the door to his apartment behind him he suddenly became completely exhausted. He collapsed back on his wide couch and pulled out his cellphone to order something to eat. Cooking dinner seemed a completely insurmountable task at present. He was interrupted by a call from someone who wanted something from him and Nick curtly told them a lie and that he would call them back. He ordered something South East Asian, which arrived just over half an hour later. He ate. He cleaned up after himself. The whole time he had one thing on his mind.

Nick ran a hot shower, as he usually did before bed. He brushed his teeth in the shower, and took a good while to just stand still and let the water run over him. After about 20 minutes he decided that staying under there any longer would likely lead him to do something he might regret later, he turned the dial to run the water cold instead. He rinsed himself off like the heat was soapsuds, clenching his teeth against the cold, and then he turned the water off completely.  
When he got out dried himself off he pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and fell into bed and was out like a light. The dreams he had that night were lifelike and vivid and wholly inappropriate.


	2. Chapter 2

Nick woke up when his alarm went off. He got up. Showered. Shaved. Brushed his teeth. Put on a collagen eye-mask, some music ( _Alexa, play Untitled Playlist_ ). He made his smoothie (he was out of the mushroom powder so he used whatever bottom scrapings were left of an old jar of the help stuff even though he liked it less). He got dressed. It was Saturday, but Nicklas really wasn’t in a position to let everything go just because it was the weekend, last week had been an exceptionally slow week, but his job was really all about timing, and Nick had a lunch with a man from an international branch of the company who happened to be in the city for a few days. Before that though, he thought he might as well stop by the office first since that was closer to the spot where they were meeting, and pick up some paperwork he had left at his desk the previous day. All this he’d related to and arranged by help of Maria, who then had let Alex know. 

For several days now Nick had gone about his mornings with a sneaking feeling that he’d imagined things. That he’d had a particularly lifelike dream, and that he’d ride the elevator down to find another temp waiting to drive him to the office. 

As Nick was coming to realize, that was not the case. 

Alex was in the lobby to pick him up. It did not make Nick short of breath. Did not make him have to will his hands to be still. A bodyguard and a driver, just like every day. Nothing was out of the ordinary. They walked to the car, and Alex broke the silence, just as they had gotten into the car:

“Working Saturdays, huh?”

“Yeah,” Nick replied lamely.

Nick was suddenly struck with a memory of an evening long gone by, a dinner, and his father had almost been late because he’d wanted to pop by the office on a Saturday, and Nick had scoffed and he and Alex had shared a look, and Nick had made a comment about how the boss, of all people, should be able to take the weekend off, and his father had taken it entirely too seriously and gone into a spiel about how the boss should be the one to set the example and work the hardest out of everyone and that’s when Nick had sort of tuned the sound of his father’s voice out and gotten distracted by Alex who’d silently crossed the room and had been making faces at him over the Elder Bäckström’s shoulder and Nick had fought himself not to laugh or even crack a smile.

Nick was sincerely hoping that Alex was not thinking of the same evening, hoping that he’d only said that to make conversation and not in reference in anything. He deeply hoped that Alex was not saying that Nick was becoming like his father. Nick shook his head to clear it. He must be losing it. In the days since Alex had showed up in his office he’d been slowly losing all his sense. _No_. He told himself, in his firmest voice, one not unlike the one his father might have used, that he was being ridiculous. He’d been working too much, not drinking enough water. He’d even forgotten to take his multivitamins that morning. Nick had been right all that time ago. Working Saturdays really wasn’t good for you. He made a mental note to tell Maria not to let him. He’d listen to her. More than he listened to himself anyway.  
Nick had told her not to come in today even though he was. He couldn’t demand of her that she gave up her weekends when her workdays were already as long as they were. 

Alex drove down into the parking garage under the building and came inside with Nick.  
He was walking behind Nick and halted just before the threshold while Nick went in to his office. They were the only ones in the building, but it didn’t press so heavily on Nick when they were in separate rooms. While he shuffling through the pile of papers in the top compartment of the paper organizer that functioned as a sort of inbox, (anyone in the building who wanted to give him anything to check out Maria would leave it there for Nick to take a look at when he had time) he could almost completely forget Alex was just outside. Nick gathered the documents he needed into a folder, and put the folder in a briefcase. God, he really hoped Alex wouldn’t make a comment about or even look at the goddamn briefcase.  
And then they were off again, heading for the spot downtown where Nick was meeting Andersen.

After the lunch, and subsequent the espressos and biscotti, Nick shook hands with Andersen, and as they parted ways, Alex, came to Nick’s side and they walked out to the car. 

Nick made herculean efforts to not constantly look for. It made it easier to have thoughts about literally anything that wasn’t him. Nick knew that Alex would always be somewhere within the near vicinity of him but Nick tried his very best not to look for him, not to keep his eye on him. Nick knew that if anything should happen, Alex would be right there, but as long as there was no immediate reason to, Nick would have to try and pretend that Alex wasn’t just outside of his field of vision.  
It frustrated Nick. He was smart, he was focused, he was quick-witted and present, he’d heard himself sold as an asset to a business enough times to be able to recite his own good qualities. But Nick had gotten used to knowing what to expect from his life, and suddenly he had been surprised, he had had his equilibrium thoroughly knocked. Suddenly Nick had to remember himself before he spoke. And it annoyed him. And he knew that wasn’t Alex’s fault per se, but he still decided that placing too much of the blame on himself could hardly be good for his constitution or general wellbeing, so he put what he decided was a reasonable amount of blame on Alex nonetheless. Nick had never liked surprises. Alex would have done well to remember that.

Alex drove Nick home, the ride, as they had all been thus far, was quiet. Alex didn’t say anything, but it wasn’t his job to. Nicklas might have made conversation if he so desired, but he had no idea what to say. Well. He had some ideas, but few of them seemed appropriate, in fact most were the exact opposite. The car, halfway between the office and his home was hardly the time nor place.

*

Once Alex would have spent the drives talking. He knew that wasn’t common conduct for a man in his position, he’d even been directly instructed not to, _that’s not your job, it’s unprofessional, you’re not his friend you’re his employee_ , but he and Nick had gotten along, they’d had a lot to talk about. That was then. Drives now were silent. Alex didn’t know what to say anyway so he just didn’t say anything. Alex couldn’t just expect everything to be the same. And he could see that it obviously wasn’t. Nicklas would make conversation if he wanted to talk. 

*

The Event started with a dinner at eight. Then cocktails. Mingling. Lots of conversations with people who knew Nick’s father. Nick did brush his hair after his shower. The second of the day. He flattened it with his hands. It wasn’t quite long enough to put in a knot, but it was long enough to stay behind his ears when put there. He put a bit of product in it make it stay. Nick shaved. Put on a different cologne than usual. Thought it might perk him up a bit. 

Some hours passed between Nick getting home after the lunch and Alex picking Nick up in the lobby of Nick’s building. Alex had changed his clothes, he was wearing a clean cut black suit, black shoes, formal. He looked hard and wide and safe and Nick did not let his eyes linger, he just gave Alex a curt nod in greeting, and got the same in return. 

“You ready to go?” Alex asked.

“As ready as I’ll be,” Nick replied under his breath, then he cleared his throat and in a louder voice that he was sure Alex heard he said: “ _yes._ ”

Nick spotted his parents easily enough, they weren’t hard to find. People buzzed about them like moths to a light, they were important people, liked, even. He crossed the room to meet them. He gave his mother a kiss on the cheek, and shook his father’s hand.

“Nicklas,” his mother started as she put a hand on his cheek, studying him. Nick knew exactly what she was going to say, “you really should get your hair cut, älskling.”

“I know, Mamma,” Nick said sheepishly, somehow, suddenly embarrassed that Alex should hear him speak to his mother. _I brushed it_ , he didn’t say, but he did hope she’d noticed. 

“How did the meeting go? Yesterday?” she lowered her voice, “do you like him? do you think he could be a good fit for you?” Where Nicklas’ father’s approach to personal security had always been cold and corporate, he was the employer and his bodyguard was an employee, and they were treated as such, Nick’s mother’s attitude was, like with most other things, more emotional, a bodyguard to her was more than just security, it was also companionship. Nick knew perfectly well how she liked to talk with her own team. And she really did have a whole team. (That Nick _didn’t_ was something he had put up quite a fight with his father about. He could barely get comfortable with a single guy, what the hell was he supposed to do with an _entourage?_ ) 

“Yes, Mamma, I–” he stopped just short of finishing the sentence but then reminded himself that he would only be using her words and nothing else, “I _like_ him.”

Nick’s parents did not shake hands with the staff, but his mother did look over Nick’s shoulder to get a look at Nick’s _new guy_. Alex took a step closer, and as he did Nick’s mother did a double take in the middle of her nodded greeting. Before she could say anything, Nick placed a hand on her shoulder and said: “Mamma, I’m sorry, but I see someone I gotta go say hello to, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you again later, it was lovely seeing you, you look wonderful.” He put one more kiss on his mother’s cheek and left them to go get lost in the mingling crowd, with Alex following right behind him, of course. It did not take long before he actually did bump into someone he both knew and didn’t mind talking to. 

Erik Karlsson, who was there looking just a little sharper than everyone else at the function, naturally, in a color that no other man there would have dared to try and pull off, of course. His mustache expertly turned up at the tips like always. Erik smiled and spreads his arms to Nick as soon as he saw him. They talked a bit, caught up, in that superficial way one does at Events like this one, agreed that their people should get in touch to arrange a-dinner-or-something. Erik was incredibly charming. He was genuinely liked across the board.

Unlike Erik, Nick wasn’t very good at just _turning on the charm_ to his father’s mild exasperation. This had earned Nick a reputation of being something of a serious man. Nick could be plenty charming and warm but he was no good at pretending to be when he wasn’t in company that naturally brought it out in him. He was polite, always. He was never rude or intentionally cold. Through both Nick’s family and his work, he met a lot of people. _A lot_ of people. Most of them didn’t exactly bring it out in him. A select few did. Erik was funny. Nick liked Erik. He was someone that Nick considered a friend. The closest thing to it that people like the two of them might get, anyway, with lives as busy as theirs.

Erik, being just as popular at events such as this one as Nick himself was soon drawn away by someone else he just has to say hi to, and Nick was again free to be ambushed by any of the party-goers. 

Mingling. Nick did not like it. He made his way to the bar to get himself a drink. 

These Formal Charity Events rarely sat quite right with Nick. Of course, he recognized that the intentions were noble, but when it came to Helping People, Nicklas preferred a more hands-on approach. He liked to know that he was really making a difference. This felt more like pretending. It felt selfish and cold. An excuse for people to dress up in their finest garb and circle-jerk about what good people they all were. How generous. How beautiful they looked in that gown or that suit. How long it’d been seen they’d seen you last. You look well, did you lose weight? Can you believe how awful it all is? Good thing those poor people have us, huh? Us who dress up pretty in their honor and shuffle our money around for everyone to see. Nick didn’t like it. But he still went.  
Nick wasn’t bitter. He might be a little disillusioned though. A little frustrated. Impatient with the procession of things. Nick wanted some air. He could really use a walk. He could probably sneak out for a few moments. He’d have to bring Alex with him though. 

Nick was just swallowing the last of his drink and was about take a deep breath and turn to Alex when someone came up to him and bumped his arm with their elbow. Andre. Nicklas exhaled and smiled at him. There was something about Andre that always made Nick forget how tall he actually was, until he was suddenly standing right beside him. Andre wasn’t much shorter than Alex, that was to say, he had a good inch and a half on Nick, who himself wasn’t a small man. Andre was dressed sharply, so much so that Nick doubted he had dressed himself. Andre’s hair was combed back, and it had plenty of product in it to make it stay down. And he had a drink in his hand and a goofy smile on his face. With his free hand, Andre reached up and tugged slightly on a curl at the nape of Nick’s neck, and Nick reluctantly let it happen. Nick thought to himself that the kid really didn’t know how to act. Nick was on one hand slightly embarrassed for him, but on the other he was glad that there was at least one person here who didn’t take themselves too seriously, even if that means they didn’t really take themselves seriously at all. You couldn’t have it all. And Nick liked Andre, he really truly did, and he was glad to see him. He’d known Andre had been invited but he hadn’t been sure he’d be lucky enough to run into him.

“You smell fancy,” said Andre and nudged Nick’s arm again. 

“Why thank you, Andre,” Nick said and cracked a crooked smile. “You smell like gin.”  
Andre took no offense, he just grinned his dopey grin. 

“That your new guy?” Andre asked and nodded towards Alex who was standing discreetly some few feet behind them, silent but watching, and, no doubt, listening.

“Yes,” Nick said with a sigh, “that is my _new guy_.”

“Looks tough.”

“He is.”

“I liked Mike, though.”

“Yeah.”

“What his name?”

“Ask him, Andre, I’m not his keeper.”

And just like that Andre, sporting a shit-eating grin, shouldered past Nick and introduced himself to Alex, and as he did, Alex smiled for, what Nick just then realized, the first time since he had shown up in his office yesterday. Alex’s smile was even. Flawless. He’d gotten his teeth fixed. It made Nick want to punch him in the face. Break them all over. He wasn’t sure why he felt like that and he wasn’t particularly in the mood to analyze it. Nick pretended not to notice.

It had been a night, many years ago, not long after Alex and Nicklas first met, when Alex had first been first assigned to Nick as his security detail, he’d gotten into something of a scuffle while escorting Nick home. It hadn’t been major, the guys who had tried to jump Nick and the friend he’d been with had ended up worse than their attempted victims, but Alex had taken a knock to the mouth in the chaos of it, and a tooth had been lost. He’d never gotten it fixed. His smile did not become any less wide or bright or generously doled out to all, though Nick more than most, it had only become more characteristic, more Alex. 

Well, Alex had never gotten it fixed until now. Without that gap, the smile didn’t feel quite as much like Alex. It didn’t move Nick like it had once. It felt false, even though Nick knew it wasn’t. Alex didn’t do false smiles. He had always been joyful, and if he in a rare moment wasn’t, then there was no chance in hell he would pretend to be.  
That really was Alex’s smile. But it wasn’t Nick’s. Not anymore.

“Wait, _Alex_? Haven’t– We’ve met before, haven’t we?” Nick heard Andre ask.

“We might have, but it would’ve been a while ago.”

“Yeah, yeah, no, I’m pretty sure I remember you, I was just a kid though, I dunno if you remember me.”

“You still are,” Nick teased, deciding that standing aside and pretending to be preoccupied with something else would get old pretty quickly, and also be a lot weirder than just joining the conversation.

“Am not,” Andre protested.

“Sure.”

Andre’s family were friends of Nick’s and Nick had pretty much known Andre since he was born. That would be how Andre even knew that Nicklas had a _new guy_. Andre’s mother liked to talk as much as Nick’s did. Andre was a couple of years into his twenties now, but a kid to Nick nonetheless. 

“I remember you,” Alex said, which, _of course_ he did. “All grown up, I see,” he said with a smirk.

“Yeah try and tell Nicky that.” _Nicky_. Nick did not flush or flare his nostrils at the nickname. What did it matter that Alex heard it? He was going to hear a lot of things, following Nick everywhere, as was the requirement of his job.

Being a shadow had never been Alex’s style. He was good at his job. He was professional, he was attentive, he was mindful, but he was also _present_. He didn’t just follow Nick around at the heels or merely stand idly by. Alex made conversation, he didn’t stop living while he was on the job. Something that had always bothered Nick about having a bodyguard was that some of them had a weird lifelessness to them, like being people, being awake, was somehow not compatible with being someone’s personal security detail. Nick didn’t like the feeling of being constantly supervised by a robot. That was what had made Alex different. He was working but he was also company. He was employee but he was also friend. Had been. _Had_ also been friend. That was probably why Andre remembered him even though they could only have met one, maybe two times before– before Alex left the position.

“I thought you left, though?” Andre continued.

“I, um, I did,” Alex said, carefully cool.

“Uh, Andre–” said Nick.

“Oh, where’d ya go?” Andre asked enthusiastically.

“Uh, hey, I’m gonna go get a refill, you want anything Andre?”

“Oh? Uh, sure, I had something pink earlier, could you get me one of those again?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I should–” Alex began, but Nick interrupted him.

“It’s fine, I’ll be back in a second, you don’t have to…” Nick trailed off as he moved away from them and towards the bar.

Nicklas really could use that walk now. 

He returned, a little sooner than he’d have liked (he’d expected the drinks would have taken at least a couple of minutes to make, they had not) to Andre and Alex, whose eyes were on Nick and not on Andre, even though he was still talking to him. He handed Andre his drink (he’d asked the bartender for whatever was pink from the menu, and she had gladly obliged), and kept his own, a G&T, his second.

“I, uh, could use some air,” Nick finally said to Alex, who nodded, understanding, and followed Nick as he turned and made his way towards the nearest exit. They left Andre where he was, but Nick had no doubt that Andre would quickly find new, more entertaining company.

He bumped into a few people on the way who wanted to either introduce themselves or catch up and Nick indulged some, but excused himself with most of them. 

Nicklas had gotten used the notion of having a bodyguard years ago. His father had always had one, and had insisted that his mother did too. He’d had a rotating security team as a kid, escorting him to and from the fortress of a private school he had attended. It wasn’t until he was a teenager that he began to be sort of disillusioned with the idea. He was the child of a business mogul, sure. He came from Money, and was the heir apparent to both fortune and legacy, but having a _bodyguard_ , being _shadowed_ , it all felt a little silly to Nick. His father insisted, and so it had to be, he was still the patriarch after all, but Nick spent a lot of energy pretending that he wasn’t constantly being watched by some big hunk of beef in a suit. That way, the different guys who had held the position for the duration of his adolescence had mostly become sort of faceless to him. That was, until Alex Ovechkin.  
Nicklas had been around 19, and Alex had been fresh from the Academy. Nick was his first proper permanent position at the ripe old age of 21 almost 22. They had gotten along famously, even though Nick’s father frowned upon their familiarity, and thought it was unprofessional of them both. They were both coming into their own. They had bonded over that.

Alex let the way to an exit, and Nick thanked the skies that the venue was on the ground floor. The evening air was cool, the breeze cooler. It felt good. Now alone, standing just within the reach of the glow coming through the windows, Nick thought he should say something. He didn’t have to.  
But he wanted to.

“Your tooth…” he began. What a dumb thing to say. He should have thought harder about that one before just blurting anything out. Nick sighed. Couldn’t take it back now.

“Huh?” Something about Alex’s casual informality but just the slightest of dampers on Nick’s nerves. He let a moment pass before speaking again. Alex wasn’t look at Nick, he was looking just past him, into the night beyond him.

“You got ‘em fixed…” 

“Nah” he said, “I didn’t.” Nick raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s fake.” Alex put a thumb in his mouth and popped out a piece of plastic that make up his repaired tooth, and _there_ was that gap. “Just for stuff like this.” Without looking at Nick, Alex smirked and slid the piece of plastic back and his smile was perfect again.

“You got vain?” Talking was one thing, teasing was another, had he not had that second drink he wouldn’t have dared it at all.

“Did not.” Nick huffed, and didn’t feel so nervous looking at Alex as long as Alex still wasn’t looking back at him. “I was asked to. This,” Alex opened his mouth put the tip of his tongue to the fake tooth, “is more anonymous. More professional. Whatever.”

“Ah,” Nick said. Real eloquent. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You don’t have to. Wear that thing. If you don’t want to, I mean.”

“Uh,” said Alex, “thanks, I guess.”

“Yeah…”

A moment of silence passed between them as Nick paced the dimly lit lawn behind the building, Alex staying put closer to the door. In the light coming from inside, Nick studied, in the most discreet way possible, Alex’s wide brow, his flat nose in profile, flatter than he remembered it. Maybe he’d broken it again while he’d been away. Nick had the thought and then decidedly did not entertain the idea. Alex still wasn’t looking at him directly, but he might still notice Nick staring. He looked like a statue in the warm light, completely solid and permanent. That last word felt dangerous to even think. He’d looked permanent back then too. And felt it too. But he hadn’t been. Nick revised his own thoughts. Alex looked solid. He looked strong. 

“You smoke?” Nick asked.

“No,” said Alex. He hadn’t back then either, but Nick thought he’d ask anyway. “Do you?” Alex asked.

“No,” said Nick, as he conspicuously pulled a pack of cigarettes from his inner pocket and fished one out and put it between his lips. “Smells awful, terrible for you.” Nick pulled out a slim lighter that he kept inside the same pack, and he attempted to light the thing but the flame wouldn’t catch.

“I see,” said Alex, and walked a step over to cup his hands around the flickering light to shield it from the breeze.

“Thank you,” muttered Nick. He sucked on it and continued: “Don’t understand why anyone would pick up a habit that appalling.”

“Right,” said Alex and took a step back again.

They rejoined the party. Nick mingled some more. With every passing hour, he hated it a little bit more. He had more drinks. 

Thinking back after he’d gotten into his bed back at the apartment, he thought Alex might have held his elbow, helping him out to the car. Nick was pretty sure he hadn’t embarrassed himself or his family. He was sensible, reasonable, even when tipsy. Well, maybe closer to drunk than to tipsy. But he’d had Alex there to guide him though the crowd. Nick wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. He was not an excessive drinker in any way.  
He hadn’t even showered before getting into bed, all he’d done was undress, and that in a rather sloppy fashion. He was tired. He was inebriated. He was pretty sure he’d remembered to say goodbye to his parents before departing. He didn’t remember saying anything incriminating, so he was probably safe. 

*

Alex didn’t know when Nick had started smoking, it would have been with in the last few years. He did know that it wasn’t something he did often; Nick didn’t smell like smoke, neither did his office, and he hadn’t seen him do it at any other point. Alex considered if it might be a stress thing. Nick wouldn’t be the first to fall for that vice. Alex hadn’t been around long enough to know what was stressing him out though. The party maybe. It seemed to Alex like Nick hadn’t grown out of his discomfort with them. That was probably it, Alex decided.  
He wondered if he gone too close to Nick, helping him light his cigarette. Nick hadn’t asked him to. He might have overstepped his bounds. Nick hadn’t say anything though. Not about that. Then again Nick hadn’t really said much about anything to Alex. Maybe he was less talkative now. Maybe it was personal. Alex couldn’t exactly ask. Besides, by the time he drove Nick home, Nick didn’t really seem up for serious conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

All in all, Alex thought that his first weeks back on the job had gone about as good as he could have hoped for. It hadn’t exactly been a tearful reunion but Nick hadn’t hissed at him or called him a coward. Then again, he didn’t really have much reason to, since he didn’t actually know the reason for neither his departure nor return. Alex had imagined it though, what Nick might say to him if he ever came back. It was generous, an unrealistic scenario. Alex was just security, what reason what Nick have had to think about him or even remember him. But he had. Nick had remembered. He hadn’t brought it up, and Alex didn’t quite know what to make of that. Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe Nick just saw it all as a strange coincidence that Alex should have come back, and to his employment too.

Slowly, tentatively, Alex started to ease up. Since the first day he had carried tension in his body, like he was waiting for some great climactic confrontation. He knew, rationally, that that wasn’t going to happen, and after a while his body also realized that it didn’t have to be coiled up in anticipation for neither fight nor flight. That wasn’t the kind of person Nick was. He wouldn’t let personal feelings affect a professional relationship. Alex knew it was silly of him. People like Nick had a constantly rotating security team. He’d gone through more than a handful of people before Alex had been appointed the position, and just as many after he’d gone. Alex felt like an idiot for feeling special. For blowing everything up, like he should expect a scene. He felt stupid for assuming Nick had missed him while he was away, hoped he’d return. Not that he’d say so if he had. Alex shouldn’t expect anything, and so he didn’t. 

But he fell into a rhythm, as one does with a new job when it gradually stops being new. He came down to earth, little by little.

*

It was a good week and a half into Nick trying to get used to his own life all over, as if it wasn’t the exact same life he’d had along, when it happened. Drive silent as they always were. Nick was in the car going to a meeting across town and the traffic downtown was exactly as congested as one would expect it to be at this time of day, that being, the car had barely moved a full block in the last 10 minutes. Nick had spent countless mornings in a car like this, and usually he passed the time reading emails on his phone or reading paperwork or letting his thoughts wander.  
The latter would not have been such a bad thing if Nick had not looked up to rear view mirror and found that Alex’s ice blue eyes were on him, meeting his gaze. Nick quickly looked away, fixing his eyes on a spot outside of the car. His thoughts were suddenly no longer simply wandering, they were galloping, out of control. He was so focused on trying to reign in those thoughts that he barely registered his name being spoken. 

“Mr. Bäckström? Mr. Bäckström.” 

“Sorry?” Nick half said half croaked as he hooked his fingers in the collar of his shirt as if he could loosen it a bit, but instead settled for undoing a single button. 

“Forgive me,” Alex said, “are you- are you alright?” Nick cleaned his throat. 

“Yes.” He said. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Nick dared meeting Alex’s eyes again in the mirror if only for a split second. “Thanks. Thank you.” He cleared his throat again. “For asking. Big meeting is all,” Nick said, “s’nothing.” Alex nodded. Nick looked outside the care again and noticed that traffic had moved just a bit. That. That was something.

The car pulled into a spot on the first floor of the parking garage.  
Nick was intently looking at his phone, scrolling through emails, and suddenly Alex was there opening the door.

One thing that Nick was no less used to now than he had been a week ago or a goddamned decade ago, was standing next to Alex Ovechkin in an elevator. Nick tried not think about it, he really did, and when he found himself alone in an elevator with Alex he tried not to think at all. Alex was big, and his body radiated heat. He drew you in, as if his round ass had its own gravitational field. Plump and immaculate and Nick just wanted to sink his teeth into it and _God_. Oh, God, no, Nick really was losing it. He wasn’t even looking at Alex’s ass. Not this time anyway.

Nick wanted to lean in. let himself be drawn. He wasn’t going to. He wasn’t. Going to. And what would Alex even say? Would shove him away, or just give him a _look_. Nick felt ridiculous even imagining it. He wasn’t a moth, drawn to light. He was a grown man, and he would control himself. He _could_. And he would. But _God_ , he wanted to.

Nick was headed to a meeting. And he hadn’t been lying to Alex; it was an important one. His father was going to be there. High stakes, important people.  
Nick stepped out of the elevator with Alex at his heels, and he headed in the direction of the conference room the meeting was being held in.

Nick’s father spotted Nick and came over and pulled him aside.

“You’re aware of the agenda today?”

“Of course, we’ve gone over it in detail.”

“I know, I know, I simply want to ascertain that we are on the same page.”

“I am not some renegade. I don’t attend these meetings to sabotage you, father.”

“You’re being dramatic, Nicklas.”

“You know,” said Nick, “if you really do intend to pass all this on to me, whenever that may be, you are really going to have to start trusting me one of these days.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course I trust you.”

“Okay,” Nick simply said. “Alright.”

Someone called their name from down the hall, and both Nick and his father turned. A man that Nick recognized though couldn’t quite place, came over to greet them. Nick only remembered the man’s last name, and hoped that either someone would bring up his first name in conversation at some point or that he wouldn’t come to need it to address him later. As the man talked to Nick’s father, Nick’s mind provided context for the man’s face. He was a recent inductee to the circle of board members. He would learn his name soon enough. As Nick listened to the man talk he quickly realized why his name would have escaped him. The man was incredibly boring. Mind-numbingly so. Even his voice lacked any lilt. Nick thought that if he stared hard enough at the man he might be able to look right through him.

Someone interrupted the man, to call everyone into the conference room.

“Everybody here?”

“Looks like it.”

“And this?”

“He is my bodyguard,” said Nick.

The man grunted, Nick assumed it was a grunt of assent. Alex took up position by a couple other men in equally neutral black suits. Nick was not the only man there who brought personal security. 

The meeting itself was nothing more and nothing less than what Nick had expected. He made a few points, but was more than once talked over by his father. At one point, some of the others there began to get funny looks on their faces after Nick’s father had interrupted Nick, or paraphrased whatever it was Nick had just said. Nick didn’t say anything. Not this time. He wasn’t going to make a scene. Not here. It wouldn’t be constructive. They ran through the intended talking points. Clauses were discussed. Ideas were pitched. They all drank coffee or tea provided by an assistant which Nick chided himself for not remembering the name of. Nick’s father seemed pleased with the proceedings. Nick was pleased with the progression on the meeting. No one was being unexpectedly difficult. No one decided to pull anything out of their asses. Some even made genuinely interesting and compelling points. Someone brought up the success of the recent fundraiser. Nick tasted bitter cigarette smoke in his mouth at the memory. 

Nicklas was good at his job, he knew what was required of him, and he delivered. That didn’t mean he liked it. He did not conduct his life like a business like his father did. Nick was adamant about keeping his work and his person separate. Well, he had been. But he had little to commit to in his personal life, and his work was demanding. He did not think that he was losing himself to the work as such, but he was that one part of his life was beginning to overtake the other. _That_ he especially did not like. He lacked passion, and that he didn’t like either. His father burned for his work. His business was his lifeblood. Nick’s father’s business was the world Nick knew and one he knew how to navigate, but the company wasn’t Nick’s baby like it seemed to be his father’s. That wasn’t really something he went around telling people, though. Not his mother, not his friends, not Eller or Andre or Erik.

The meeting was finally adjourned and Nick got out of his seat and smoothed his clothes with flat hands and he shook hands with everyone.

He didn’t say anything as they left the room and then the building, not until they were almost at the car did he speak:

“God, that Brettman, he is just a sour pissbaby, isn’t he?” Nick said. 

Alex’s reply was a look and a raised eyebrow. Nick met his eye for a second and kept walking towards the car. 

“I really wish he’d just retire already.” Nick thought Alex might have snickered, but he might just have been clearing his throat. “You see how my father came over before? You know, he says he trusts me, but he’s terrified of letting me take over. That might have more to do with him than with me.” Alex didn’t say anything, but he let Nick rant and listened dutifully as they both entered the car. Nick had been holding back during the entire meeting. He knew what was expected of him at this time, and he knew what he could and couldn’t get away with saying. He knew the world and the customs, so he’d sat tight, brooding on his opinions like a bird on her eggs. Now that he was out, he needed to release a bit of the pressure that had been building. 

“I see where they’re going, I keep up fine, I’m not a _kid_ anymore. I’m not even the youngest guy there.” He was the second youngest but that wasn’t the point. “And it’s mostly my father and his _old pals_ , they talk to me like I’m in training. They do realize that I have already taken over a prominent amount of my father’s previous responsibilities, right? I mean...” he trailed off as he pulled out his phone to look at his emails. He barely noticed the car started and pulling out of the spot, and he squinted against the light when they exited the garage. 

“…feel the life sapping out of me. I’m going to lose my hair by forty.”

“Mr. Bäckström?” Alex asked, and Nick blinked back to the present. He sighed, but he hoped Alex didn’t notice. 

“Yes?”

“Where to?” he asked. “You have anywhere you have to be?” Nick didn’t, not before the meeting he was having with a couple of people from HR to discuss an internship program, which wasn’t for another several hours. He had an idea. 

“Hey. You hungry?” Nick asked.

“Uh–” 

“I am, we should get lunch. Let’s get lunch.” He wasn’t rambling. Nick had done enough of that. This was not rambling. He was just asking. He was asking a completely normal question.

“Alright. Where do you wanna go?” Alex asked, “sir?” Nick suppressed a flinch at that added word. He wanted to tell Alex that he didn’t have to call him _sir_. He didn’t say anything. It was protocol. How an employee was expected to address a man in Nicklas’ position. Anything else would be improper. Unprofessional. _As opposed to what? Taking him to lunch?_ A voice in Nick’s head said. _Shut up_ , Nick told the voice.

“You, uh, you remember that greasy place out by the auto repair shop? The– I don’t remember the name, the place with the big mint sign.” Alex definitely snorted this time.

“That blue sign?”

“Blue? It was mint,” Nick insisted, and thought he saw the corner of Alex’s mouth twitch in the reflection of the rearview mirror.

“I know the place,” he said.

“Let’s go there,” said Nick. “Thank you.”

As Alex pulled onto the street and shifted his focus to the road and the traffic, Nick felt a little giddy. The banter had felt easy. Natural. Fun. Nick really missed easy _fun_. Nick deeply resented the fact that in the context of work, very few of the people he saw regularly had any sort of affinity for cracking jokes, and none of his employees ever dared _sass_ him or say anything that might be interpreted as insolence or disrespect. Clearly his father had been a great influence on the work environment, Nick thought with thick sarcasm. But Alex talked back. _Do it again_ , Nick wanted to say. He didn’t. But he imagined it.

It was just a greasy diner all the way out on the edge of town. A place Nick used to get Alex to take him back in the day when he wanted to feel a little dirty after a full day of being perfect and pristine. Like the exact opposite of those juice cleanses he dis now every last weekend of each month. Alex remembered. Or maybe he just remembered the directions. The connotations lost to time. Nick wasn’t going to ask, he didn’t want to know.

For the first time in his life Nick had to talk Alex into eating. 

“I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m working.”

“So? You still gotta eat. I know you haven’t had lunch yet today.”

“Mr. Bäckström.”

“Come on. Just cus you don’t talk or smile–” Nick paused. It wasn’t really a fair thing to say either, because Alex had clearly done both of those things, but Nick still said it. Every time Alex called him that, Nick felt a petty urge to get back at him. And that wasn’t fair either, because the formality with which Alex addressed him was required. “Doesn’t mean you can’t eat,” Nick continued, after having decided that he didn’t regret what he’d said.

Nick just ordered two of what he was getting. 

Nick wasn’t sure he would get a straight answer out of Alex if he asked why he didn’t want to eat with him, it wasn’t like it would be the first time. Employer and employee could have lunch together without issue. Nick did it all the time. Usually it was a professional affair, but it didn’t have to be. Nick wouldn’t mind the informality. That’s how he put to himself; _wouldn’t mind the informality_ , as if the truth of the matter wasn’t that he desperately craved a bit of normalcy and for Alex to just act like the Alex he remembered. He didn’t say any of this. He wanted to. He wanted to make his case for lunch. He didn’t. Alex came to his rescue without even knowing it by speaking.

“You forget to tell ‘em you don’t like onions?”

Nick just looked at him.

“Or pickles? Or cheese…”

“Very funny.”

“Oh, you eat pickles now? You really _have_ changed, huh.” _Really have changed_. Nick swallowed. It was just a joke, Nick told himself. No need to get a stomachache over it.

“What’d you expect? That I’d keep living off white bread and meatballs all my life?”

“Guess I thought you’d at least try.”

“Yeah well, there was a time, but not anymore. I guess I _expanded my horizons_.” Pretentious. Nick deeply wished he’d start thinking before he spoke.

“What, you eat vegetables now? Drink green juice?” Alex laughed, and then abruptly stopped when Nick didn’t deny it and said: “no way. You drink green juice?”

“I make them myself.”

“Holy shit.” Nick gave him a pointed look. “Pardon me. It has been a while, I guess shouldn’t be too surprised.” Alex looked at him for a moment and Nick sat very still. “Mushrooms?”

“Yup.”

“Fish?”

“Some.”

“Spicy food?”

“I always liked spicy food.”

“You most certainly did not.”

“I think I’d know.”

“I think I would too.”

Nick didn’t know what to say next so he didn’t say anything. He really wanted to take out his phone and look at his emails, but he thought that might be counterproductive.

When the food arrived Nick just pushed half of it across the table to Alex. He wasn’t that hard to convince when it came down to it.

“Eat,” said Nick. He didn’t ask, he told.

And Alex accepted begrudgingly.

“I’m paying you back for this,” he said, like that was even an option.

“You absolutely are not.”

“N– Mr. Bäckström.” 

Nick almost swore. Almost. Alex had almost said it. His mouth had made the shape of it, but then he’d remembered himself. And he’d stopped. And _Mr. Bäckström_ was what he’d said. And Nick decided that he should probably study his plate of fries a little closer for a moment. Maybe he’d see something in the oil soaked paper and the grains of salt that would distract him a bit. Deep fried divination. Anything that might hide any look of disappointment on Nick’s face from Alex.

Alex loved food. He loved eating. Nick had never met anyone who could eat like Alex Ovechkin. He wolfed down a burger and fries and a coke. Nick was smug. He tried not to let it show.

And he was good at easing tension. It wasn’t part of the job description or the requirements; diffusing, but Alex had always been so good at it. He felt the change in the atmosphere, he changed the subject, made a joke. But he wasn’t doing that right now. He wasn’t saying anything. And Nick was decidedly not looking at him so he didn’t know where Alex was looking, but if Alex wasn’t going to say something then Nick would. 

“I don’t smoke.” That was not what he’d meant to say. 

“You mean…”

“I don’t. I almost never do.” He regretted that he’d let Alex see him smoke. It wasn’t a habit he was particularly proud of. It felt like exposing a weakness to Alex. 

“Alright.”

“It’s an excuse to get away for a bit. You know. Big parties. And it helps the nerves.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not true.”

“What do you know, you don’t smoke.”

“Fair enough.”

Nick picked up a cooling fry and bit off the end while mulling over his disastrous attempt at breaking the tension and lightening the general mood.

“You still go to events on your own?” Alex asked then and Nick dropped the soft fry back onto the plate.

“As opposed to…?”

“You hated those things, a date might make it bearable.”

“Still not a big fan. And a date might. Though that would require me to have one.” Was this too personal? Nick wasn’t sure. Said was said. He forgot to be careful with Alex, and it made him nervous that it should be this easy. He might slip up, say something he shouldn’t, say something he actually meant.

“You telling me nobody wanted to go to the party with you? I find that hard to believe.” This was bold of him. Nick’s stomach fluttered at Alex’s directness. He cleared his throat before responding, trying for a tone like the one Alex was using; light, joking.

“Ah yes, I should have just picked one out from the lineup of eager suitors.”

“That’s not how that happens?” Alex asked with faux confusion.

“I suppose I must have missed that memo,” said Nick. “I certainly never got to meet any suitors.” 

“So you… there’s no one?” Alex asked.

“Nope,” said Nick, popping the _p_.

“Really? No one at all?”

“God, you’re starting to sound like my mother,” and he was also starting to sound like he was fishing for something, but Nick didn’t comment on it. He didn’t want to assume.

“Alright, alright. I guess I just thought for sure you’d have settled down by now, a pretty wife, a couple of kids maybe.”

 _You thought about me_ , Nick didn’t say, instead he huffed and did say: “Nah, don’t have the time. I got work. You know.” Alex would know, he was there for it all. “What about you? Family? A special someone?” Nick asked.

“Nah.”

“No? What’s your excuse?”

“Same as yours.”

“That so?”

“Yup.”

Nick nodded. Accepting. Alex clearly didn’t want to talk about his own personal life. Nick wasn’t going to push him. Nick looked around the diner. They’d remodeled. From the outside, it looked more or less the same, but inside it was all done completely over, it wasn’t any less greasy, and it didn’t smell any less like deep fryer than what Nick remembered, but the color scheme was different. The baby blues were changed out for nostalgic red and whites. They’d taken out the fake bricks that had covered the back wall for that rustic look, put in chrome details on the seats and the bar. They’d put up a jukebox, Nick wasn’t sure it was even functional, but it did aid the nostalgic aesthetic they were so clearly going for. It was cozy. Made him want to order a milkshake with a cherry on top. Nick chewed on the irony a bit while he thought about what to say.

“I haven’t been back here for– shit, what, 5 years, 6 maybe.”

“Here?”

“Yeah, last time was, I think, I only ever went back once after,” Nick said. Alex took a fry from Nick’s plate, chewed, and swallowed. Nick did his best not to react to the thoughtlessness of the action. He tried not to look smug when thinking about Alex forgetting to be proper. To behave appropriately. Nick realized that a thing that had been bothering him was that Alex was being entirely too appropriate.

“After?” Alex asked.

“I don’t know. Guess it kinda lost the appeal,” Nick continued without answering the question. “It’s different now, though.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed.

Last time Nick had gone to this particular diner had been a pretty sad affair. He’d gone alone, dismissed his new bodyguard, told him to head home for the day, then took a bus out, sat alone in a stall, had fries and a coke nothing else. Back then he’d still been an absolutely impossibly picker eater. Alex often made fun of him for it. Pasta, bread, meatballs, burgers. No fish, no vegetables, potatoes only if deep-fried. Well. Alex hadn’t been there. Nick would eat his deep-fried potatoes in peace, finally. Only, they didn’t really taste like much. Nick knew he’d been trying to look for something that he knew he wouldn’t find, coming here. He didn’t finish his food, and he only drank the soda because it was something to do with his hands.

“You gonna get dessert?” Alex asked. Nick was brought back to the present by the sound of his voice. Nick cleared his throat.

“I’m trying to cut down on sugars,” he replied, and when Alex after a second realized that Nick was being serious he laughed. He really laughed. It might be at Nick and not with him, but it was laughter and it was Alex’s. And there was the gap where he was missing a tooth. God, that was sweeter than anything Nick might have ordered off the menu. “I’ll have an espresso, though,” Nick said, and almost, as if on reflex, swallowed the smile that was pulling at his cheeks, but was then struck by who he was with and what they were doing, and he didn’t, he smiled. Grinned even.

*

Alex looked at that crooked smile, at Nick’s neat white teeth, and he couldn’t believe he’d forgotten what seeing that smile felt like. He archived it, filed it away in a place where no one would find it and no one would know what it meant to him.

It wasn’t that Nick wasn’t a talker, most who didn’t know Nick thought he was a man of few words, he’d never been good with media or public appearances, but in private Nick had been both loud and funny. It was that Nick had been so quiet since Alex returned. Cold and closed off. It was nothing different from what Alex had expected. That didn’t mean it didn’t sting. At first Alex had thought had he had simply changed. That Nick had become a colder, an even more private man. But then Nick had had his little outburst in the car today. And Alex recognized him. There was Nick. He wasn’t gone after all. Alex wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but he was relieved. One thing was missing Nick while Alex had been away. Missing Nick while being right next to him was somehow worse. But underneath he was still right there. Alex just had to crack the shell. He’d done it before. He shouldn’t expect anything. He shouldn’t get his hopes up. But he thought to himself, deep inside a part of him that he would be able to lock away if he should fail this time, that he had done it before. He had seen the Nick that lived inside the shell, inside the walls. He had known that Nick. Alex wanted to know him again. It was ridiculous. Alex was getting carried away. He was probably going to get shut out. He didn’t know what he’d do when that happened. But until it did, he would try to chip away at the shell. Nick would let him know if he was going too far. 

*

They each got a coffee. Nick noticed the way Alex’s massive hand enveloped the cup, making it look small. He wasn’t staring. He was just looking. And it wasn’t like Alex would notice anyway; he was looking out onto the street through the big front windows, his attention elsewhere.

While on the drive home, Nick’s mother called.

“ _Nicke!_ ” Not hello, not _it’s Mamma_ , just _Nicke_ , like always.

“Mamma.”

“ _How are you?_ ”

“I’m fine, Mamma,” he said. “And you?”

“ _I’m well, I’ve been so busy this whole week_.”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“ _It’s just picnic, and the book club and everything, but that’s not why I called. I was just thinking about you. Wanted to hear your voice._ ”

“You talk to my f– to Pappa?”

“ _He just got in, why?_ ”

“No reason, we had a meeting today.”  
“ _You both? He didn’t mention that you were going to be there._ ”

“No, I can imagine he didn’t.” Nick said this in a low voice, and as soon as he did, hoped that his mother hadn’t heard him. She didn’t seem to.

“ _Nicke, are you coming over for dinner soon? I miss seeing your face around here._ ”

“You saw me just a couple of weeks ago at the charity dinner.”

“ _Weeks, Nicke! I’m your mother, I don’t want to see you every few weeks! I want to see you all the time!_ ” Nick smiled at his phone.

“Right, yeah, yeah, I’ll talk to Maria, I’m sure I have an open evening soon.”

“ _You work too much, Nicklas._ ”

“So you keep telling me.”

“ _Do you ever get time to see your friends?_ ”

“Sure, I do,” Nick said without giving the question too much thought, because he wasn’t sure he’d like the conclusion he’d come to if he did. “But there’s a lot to do, both Pappa and I want this transition to be as smooth as possible, I have to put in my load of work to make that happen.”

“ _I know, I know, it’s all very important. I just hope you also take time to yourself. The most important thing is that you’re happy, Nicke, you know that, right?_ ”

“I know.”

“ _Good. Now, I have to go, Anna just got back from Angkor Wat and she’s joining us for dinner._ ”

“Tell her hi from me.”

“ _Of course. I love you, take care of yourself._ ”

“I love you too.”

“ _And don’t think I’m going to forget dinner. I won’t!_ ”

“I’ll ask Maria! I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”

“ _Goodbye, Nicklas._ ”

“Bye, Mamma.” 

Nick wasn’t good at being in two place at once. While he was talking to his mother, he existed only in that phone call. As soon as he hung up however, the car and Alex all snapped right back. Nick quickly tried to rewind the call in his mind to make sure he didn’t say anything that might be incriminating. What he meant by that, Nick wasn’t sure. Nick glanced in the mirror and as he did he saw Alex look away in that same instant. It hadn’t bothered Nick that any other of his drivers or bodyguards overheard his private conversations, they were only doing their job, which mainly consisted of staying within proximity and earshot of Nick. For some reason, that separation felt distinct different with Alex. He felt too close. Like he was not there _by_ Nick, but rather _with_ him. Nick almost expected Alex to say something. It wasn’t like the call had interrupted a conversation. There was a feeling like Alex hearing Nick talk on the phone with my mother like this, just like when he’d talked to her at the Event, that Nick was letting Alex see him open up. Like he was going to see a side of him that wasn’t intended for public consumption. It was a lot to unpack. Nick wasn’t sure which was worse, that he didn’t like the feeling, or that he even felt that way to begin with. He felt as if, if Alex saw this part of Nick, he might see more, he might see through him, might see things that Nick was trying very hard to obscure. He wanted to get along with Alex, he really _really_ did. But Nick was absolutely sure that _getting along_ would get infinitely more complicated if Alex found out just what exactly Nick wanted to do to him, and how long he’d been wanting to do it for. He couldn’t even put it into words in the privacy of his own mind. He felt too seen by Alex. He might realize just by looking in his eyes.  
Nick swallowed.


	4. Chapter 4

Nick remembered every bodyguard he’d ever had. That’ll happen when you rub shoulders with someone, quite literally, for days on end, for almost any given period of time. And he’d had a few at this point. He remembered them all, but he didn’t really care about them. He didn’t miss them. They were employees of his, just like any of those he employed at the company. He didn’t not _care for_ them. They were fine people. He’d heard some talk about how’d found a family in the coworkers, but Nick had never really felt that way. He liked many of the people he worked with, sure, but he didn’t love them. He didn’t miss them when they left to seek new challenges or moved away or whatever might cause a person to leave his employment. Well. That was true for all people except one.

Having been just about to turn 19, and graduating high school, Nick had fancied himself a proper adult. He had never been one for school in general, and his father had, to his own credit, recognized that, and rather than demanding he pushed through and got a degree, he had instead let Nick go right into the family business, even though at the time he’d had little more responsibility than any intern. What he had now he’d worked for, and worked he had. Not long after that his big burly bodyguard was replaced by a bigger, rowdier, fresh academy graduate. It felt to Nick like part of the transformation. Felt like his father, felt closer to him. And Nick had been proud of that then. First Nick had been concerned though, he liked control, even back then. He wasn’t sure a guy with that much energy could be serious about keeping Nick alive if it came down to it. (Not that Nick really assumed that he at any point in time would be in any real danger. He was aware that it was more than anything, just a sort of formality.) Just because he looked like he could hold his own in a fight, did not mean this Alexander, _you can just call me Alex_ , would be any good at it. It quite quickly turned out that Nick had been needlessly cynical. 

Alex had lost a tooth but he had gained Nick’s trust. Every last ounce and sliver of it. 

-

So the feelings weren’t _new_. They didn’t come as a shock to Nick. They weren’t unexpected. Overwhelming, at times, almost. Distracting, definitely. Frustrating. But not new. And in the time they’d been apart, the feelings hadn’t gone away. They had just been lying dormant. They’d simply been put away to ferment. 

Had it been a good idea to hire Alex again, let him take up his old position? Who was to say. And of course, Nick couldn’t do anything about them, the feelings. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t. Would it? He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. But seeing Alex there. And seeing Alex every day. It was… hard. Nick had long ago, too long, accepted that his feelings for Alex Ovechkin, bold and distracting as they were, were just a part of him. Just one of the many elements he was made of. It was easier to think of it like that while Alex had been gone. It had felt like mythology. But now he was here again. And it felt a lot less like mythology now, and more like a sick joke. A trick. A test of divine proportions.

Almost six and half years. That’s how long Alex had been gone.   
He first became Nicklas’ bodyguard when Nick was just shy of 20, and had stayed for just over four years. 

Now Nick was 30. That was 11 years. 11 years since they’d first met. 11 years of building tension and budding feelings that Nick didn’t know how to put words to. Six years of separation. One strange anticlimactic reunion. 

Nick had spent longer than he’d like to admit in those years wondering where the hell Alex had gone. And why. And he never found out. Nick didn’t remember any cataclysmic event, or any event at all, that might have prompted Alex to leave the job. 

One day Nick had received notice, not from Alex, but through the agency which employed him, that Alex had requested leave. Any man might need a break from work, Nick thought. Nick didn’t know the reason but he didn’t want to pry into Alex’s personal life if Alex himself didn’t feel inclined to share. Nick had assumed he would be able to ask Alex about it the following day, assumed that the leave wouldn’t take effect immediately. Nick had been wrong. The temporary replacement showed up the very next day. Maybe Alex had had a family emergency. Nick would ask Alex about it when he returned. According to the email from the agency, the leave was indefinite, but Nick just thought that Alex might not know how long it would take to sort out whatever he needed to sort out. And then he’d come back and pick up where he left off, so to speak.

When Nick got the message from the agency that they would begin procedure to find a permanent replacement for the position Nick almost wrote back asking what the hell that was supposed to mean. And it dawned on him that Alex must have resigned. Finally. And Nick missed him. But he didn’t call. 

It had been months, several, it must have been, between when Alex had originally left till then, but Nick had, for some reason, naively assumed that Alex would say something. Let him know what was going on. Nick realized later how stupid he’d been. Nick had been his boss. Why the hell would Alex want to tell him anything. He had friends for that. Family. By the time Nick realized fully that Alex wasn’t going to come back, he’d decided that Alex probably didn’t want to hear from him at all, or he would have reached out himself.  
So Nick said nothing, did nothing. He let Alex be. And he didn’t hear from him.

-

The plane landed at Changi International Airport sometime in the late afternoon, local time.  
Nick was had barely slept on the flight. Didn’t feel like he had anyway. He’d been in his reclined seat, in a sort of trance state for hours, he felt bleary and only half awake and sticky and gross in that very special long flight kind of way. 

Alex came along, of course. He’d slept on the jet. Nick preferred to bring his own personal security detail when he went abroad; it meant less dealing with strangers. 

The walk across the tarmac from the plane is short, but the air was hot and humid, even though it was late evening. Nick didn’t think he would ever get used to the South East Asian climate, thick and heavy like he was being swaddled, no matter how many times he came here.

There was a sleek black car waiting for them at the airport, but for once Alex did not get behind the wheel. There was a driver provided for the trip to the hotel. Though the car was rented in Nicklas’ name, Alex would be the one driving him around in for the next couple of days. 

Alex spent the ride to the hotel looking out of the window, and Nick leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He imagined feeling Alex’s eyes on him, but didn’t open his own to make sure, he preferred to pretend, instead of looking and finding that Alex was still watching the lights of the city pass by. He imagined he was being watched over. It felt safe. And it beat the disappointment of reality.

-

“Good evening, sir,” the young women at the hotel reception greeted Nick. Her nametag read _Eunice_. He handed her his passport for identification, and she mouthed his name to herself as she read and fumbled with something out of Nick’s line of sight. Then she said again, addressing Nick this time: “Mr. Bäckström,” she pressed some buttons on the small computer behind the desk and read a line on the monitor. She called to a bellboy passing by with an empty luggage cart. “Your usual suite is ready,” she said, again addressing Nick, “Thomas will assist you with your luggage. Here are your keys, if there is anything we can do to assist you or make your stay more pleasant please feel free to let us know. Room service is available at all hours.”

“Thank you,” Nick said, making an effort to sound awake and like he heard everything she’d just said.

“Of course, enjoy your stay, Mr. Bäckström.” 

And Thomas immediately came over and heaped all their luggage onto the cart.   
Nick could barely wait to get out of his suit in into bed. Nick along with Alex, also in a suit and looking incredibly stoic and awake in spite of everything, were led by Thomas the bellboy to the elevator. 

Once inside, Thomas positioned the luggage cart in a way to that he could reach over and he held a keycard over a small black panel next to the buttons, and when the little red light turned green he pressed the button underneath a delicate golden _19_. Thomas the bellboy stood by the panel facing the doors, next to him was Alex, and behind Alex was Nick. Nick had a futile hope that riding the elevator with Alex would be just a fraction more bearable with someone else in there too, and sometimes it was. This was not one of those times. Nick didn’t want to make a scene and that was the only reason he did not seriously consider banging his head against the side of the enclosed place.

-

“Usual suite, huh?” Alex said after the elevator door had closed behind Thomas and the then empty cart, leaving the two of them alone along with the luggage in the massive front room of the suite. He was looking around. 

“I come here,” Nick cleared his throat, “regularly.” 

“ _Usual suite,_ ” Alex just repeated. 

“It’s Maria’s doing really, she knows that I’m…”

“Creature of habit?” 

“No.” Nick said after a pause. “Well, yes. Or, it’s easier than having to figure everything out all over every time.” He wasn’t sure why he was getting so weirdly defensive, but he was. 

“Easier for who? Maria?”

“Yes. I suppose.”

“Of course.” Alex had a look on his face like he was holding back a smile. That’s what it looked like to Nick anyway. That’s how he knew that Alex was teasing him. It was why he felt self-conscious. He deeply hoped that he wasn’t blushing, though if he was, he thought he might be able to blame the heat. Despite the fact that the AC in the room was incredibly hard at work, and must have been for a while to bring the temperature down to what it was now. 

The thing about the usual suite was that it was roughly the size of Nick’s own apartment back home. Complete with entryway, bedrooms, plural, a proper kitchen, sitting room, two bathrooms. Nick didn’t need that much space, but he had to admit, it did make hotel rooms feel a little less like what they were. It was mostly Nick’s father’s delusions regarding _status_ and _dignity_ , that were to thank for the setup. He had undoubtedly had his people talk to Nick’s people, i.e. Maria. Nick himself had very little to do with the arrangements and logistics of his trips abroad. Nick’s father was of the conviction that one should never settle for anything but the very best, especially since he _could_ actually afford _the very best_. Alex had a bedroom of his own as well as an en-suite. It made more sense that way, than that he should have a room of his own and that Nick should have all this room to himself. It also made Alex’s job of hovering within proximity of Nick at all time more manageable.

-

Nick was going to be overseas for a few days. The purpose of this trip was a conference. Mostly Nick was going to take the opportunity to talk to people from international branches of the firm, as well as to people he knew but rarely got the chance to meet, attend talks relevant to his own field, but Nick also had a small presentation of his own. And he dreaded it. He knew what he was going to say, and he knew it was good, but he didn’t look forward to it. At all. His talk was being recorded, just as every other talk during the event, to be broadcasted on the website, and Nick had never been all that comfortable with bright lights or cameras. They were a necessary evil to him. If he could be without it and just be allowed to do his job without people watching him do it he’d be perfectly content, but that wasn’t the case.

The first day of the conference was busy in a monotonous sort of way, relatively uneventful, that was, without any events that weren’t listed on Nick’s printed itinerary.   
Nick was busy going from meeting to meeting and talk to talk with a break for lunch at the hotel restaurant, and another later break for coffee and then a single cigarette behind the building, and Alex just hovered at his periphery the whole time.

Nick’s presentation at noon on the second day. He got dressed after his morning shower in the outfit Maria had picked out for him. There was a tie. That was the essence of her input. Nick was otherwise perfectly capable of dressing himself, as he did every day.

“Maria thinks I play it too safe,” Nick said when Alex looked at the pop of color with a raised eyebrow.

“Pink?”

“It’s magenta.”

Alex snorted. “Right. It’s magenta. Okay,” he said. “She is right, though.”

“About what?”

“You play it safe, you only ever wear the same blue shirt.”

“I have more than one.”

“In the same color? Please tell me how that’s better.” Nick was facing a full-length mirror as they were having this conversation, he was looking at himself. And looking at the tie. 

“I’m not paying you to critique my personal style,” he said.

“You’re not paying me at all, you’re paying the agency. The agency’s paying me.”

“The agency paying you to be out of line?”

“I suppose they currently are.”

“I got white shirts too. And black.”

“Black. Like everything else you own.”

“Black goes with everything,” Nick said, getting defensive again. “I can’t believe I’m even listening to you, you are the last person I would want to take fashion advice from.”

“Ouch.”

“You wear the same thing every single day.”

“But I am contractually obligated.”

“Can I finish getting dressed, Alex?”

“Of course, _Nick_ , just say when you’re ready to head out,” Alex said and turned his back and left the room to go to his own. A second passed and then realization hit and Nick’s heart stopped in his chest. 

Nick gave a single knock on Alex’s door with a knuckle after having spent a full ten minutes sitting on his bed catching his breath before going to look himself in the eyes in the bathroom mirror for another two and then putting on a bit of cologne, and some product in his hair. 

Nick would have loved a cigarette. He abstained. He didn’t want to smell like smoke before his presentation, having to shake hands with people and introduce himself. It was however the second thing he did after the talk was over and he’d shaken more hands and accepted compliments and comments and given and received cards and promises to have his people talk to other peoples’ people. The first thing he did after having left the room, right at the heels of Alex who was leading the way for them, was taking out his phone to check his emails. There was already one from Maria that just said _You did great. Looked even better! –M_. She must have been staying up to stream it online, even though the time difference was a full 12 hours. It would be close to one now. He made a mental note to tell her that she hadn’t needed to do that. Even though he did feel oddly comforted by the idea of her watching over him. He had an odder feeling that she knew that and that it was exactly why she’d done it. Nick was acutely aware of the fact that’s he’d be absolutely lost without her.

Nick found, with Alex’s assistance and keen eye for exit-signs, a door that took them outside, and there, Nick had his cigarette. He usually kept his back to Alex while he was smoking, as if he in some great feat of illusion could keep Alex from seeing. Nick still didn’t like Alex seeing him smoke. That Alex knew any kind of intimate or somewhat secret detail about Nick’s life was much more than Nick could handle, but of course that was impossible to avoid. And so, Nick just practiced the art of pretending. Nick just had one, and then they headed back inside to find coffee, and the conference room in which the next talk Nick wanted to catch was being held.

-

Nick and Alex arrived back at the suite at around half past five, and Nick was in desperate need of his evening shower. The heat was really getting to him. Made it hard to think, clouded his judgement. 

Nick gave Alex a once-over as they were turning away to each their room.

“Please tell me you brought something a bit more casual to wear than that,” Nick said, nodding at Alex’s clean black suit.

“What do you mean?”

“Jeans or something, shorts maybe.”

“Uh, yeah, why?”

“You wanna go get dinner?” 

“You want me to dress _down_ to get dinner?”

“Yeah, I want… can I not go to another country and pretend to be a normal guy, just, for once?”

“Is that a rhetorical question? Because you know I can’t let you go out on your own,” said Alex. “Contractually obligated and all that.”

“ _I know_ , I know, that’s why I’m asking you to wear something a little less… you know.” Nick made a vague gesture with his hand “You can still do your job in jeans, I’m assuming?” Nick asked, and Alex snorted.

“Yeah, I think I can manage.”

“Alright, well, I’m gonna go shower. Meet you in thirty.”

Alex nodded and Nick closed the doors to his bedroom behind him as Alex was turning towards his own room. 

When they met in the front room of the suite Nick told Alex that they should leave the car, parking would be impossible anyway, they would just take a cab. Alex was wearing jeans and a red t-shirt with print across the chest that looked like it was made to look worn. The material of the shirt was snug across Alex’s wide chest and arms. Very snug. Not that Nick was looking. 

Nick realized then that he was fairly certain that he hadn’t ever seen Alex out of uniform before, and he had to wipe his moist palms on his jeans. 

Nick turned his back to Alex as he called the desk to have them call for a cab for them. 

-

Nick paid and thanked the cab driver as he and Alex got out near Newton Circus. The walk to the hawker center wasn’t long, and the heat was more bearable at this time of day.

They found somewhere to sit. Nick convinced Alex to stay seated while he got food. His argument was that Alex would be fully able to see him the whole time from where he was sitting, plus someone had to hold their seats.

Nick bought a plate of satay from one stall. He bought noodles from another stall, and black pepper crab from a third. He got enough food for two. At least. At each booth, he pointed to the table where Alex was sitting, to show where to bring the food when it was ready. Some of it had already arrived by the time Nick finally returned to the table with a cold beer in each hand. 

“You’re gonna have to help me put all of this away,” said Nick.

Alex just raised his eyebrow. 

“Come on, not this again, I’m not just gonna sit there and stuff my face while you sit idly by watching for predators. It’s weird. And we all gotta eat.”

Nick placed one of the bottles in front of Alex.

“You know I can’t drink on the job,” he said.

“Really, big man? You think one beer is gonna topple you?”

“Contrac–”

“Contractually obligated, I know, but I’m your boss and I’m saying have a beer.” Nick was feeling strangely giddy. He hadn’t even taken a drink yet, and he attributed it to the heat again, maybe low blood sugar, or remnant adrenaline from his presentation earlier today.

Alex narrowed his eyes at him ever so slightly, then he picked up the bottle and took a sip and Nick nodded in approval.

*

Alex knew he shouldn’t be sharing a meal with Nick like this. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t professional. And it felt like a sort of test. Like Nick was waiting to catch him in the act of letting his guard down and tell him to get the hell out of there. Alex had to admit that he did enjoy it, though. Sharing a meal felt like they were friends spending time together, and not a lowly bodyguard and his millionaire client playing at friendliness like could get away with it. Which was all the more reason for Alex not to do it. It was clouding the boundaries between them. Soon enough Alex was going to say something, or much worse, _do_ something, that would get him in serious trouble. He was beginning to think he made a mistake coming back. He thought he’d grown enough, matured enough, that he could remain completely professional, that he would be able to not let his personal feelings impair his judgement. As it turned out, he’d been wrong.  
This was a mistake. Everything about this was a mistake. And it was a mistake that he, idiot as he must be, was going to go on making even now.

They had each finished their beers, but when Nick got up to get more Alex had insisted on getting something non-alcoholic. He’d indulged Nick in drinking the first one, but he really couldn’t drink on the job and while Nick was right in the fact that a single drink wouldn’t have much of an effect on someone Alex’s size, he still preferred to just refrain entirely. Or almost entirely, tonight.  
Nick had brought back a second beer for himself and a coke for Alex. 

“So, uh, how’d the talk go?” Alex asked. He knew Nick wasn’t a fan of being the center of attention. Alex had always found it kind of ironic but he’d never said anything about it. 

“You were there, you heard it,” Nick replied while looking intently at a slice of cucumber that he was dipping into a small cup of peanut sauce. Nick hadn’t touched the dipping sauce, and Alex thought a little smugly that Nick might not be completely reformed in regards to food after all. 

“I was there, but I wasn’t the one giving it.” Nick put the cucumber back onto the plate and looked at Alex. “And I don’t know jack shit about this business stuff.” Nick blinked.

“It went fine,” he said then.

“You feel good about it?”

“I… feel fine about it.”

“Alright.”

Alex took a sip of his coke, the bottle was wet with condensation, and the drink itself was already barely cold anymore. He made himself move slowly, with nonchalance. Give Nick the option not to read anymore into the question that he wanted to. Alex put the bottle down. Nick started talking.

“It went about as well as it could,” he said, and he went back to playing with what was left of the food in a way that was decidedly improper and impolite and Alex absolutely reveled in it. Watching him be imperfect and untidy felt like butterflies and several more drinks that he’d actually had. “Made the points I wanted to make,” Nick continued, “there were a few good questions.” Nick cleared his throat. “Liked getting it over with more than I liked giving it, though,” he said and huffed and Alex snorted.

“Yeah, I bet,” Alex said with a chuckle. A warm sound, Alex could feel it. Too warm.

“Oh, you _bet_?” Nick challenged with raised eyebrows. “And what would you know about that?”

Alex looked right at Nick and decided to take the challenge.

“You really want to hear about how well I know you?” he said, and this time Nick forgot to clear his throat. Alex took another swig of his coke.

*

Showing concern for Nick and asking about the talk like he knew Nick had been stressing about it had to be way above Alex’s paygrade, and not the least bit fair, and Nick fully wished he hadn’t because he didn’t have the vaguest idea of what to do with it. He didn’t know what to say. Did Alex ask because he _cared_? Or was he just trying to make conversation. Alex liked conversation. And he liked testing boundaries, pushing, that was just how he was. _Want to hear about how well I know you_. What the hell had that been about? Nick felt like God himself had given Alex an earpiece to wear, through which Alex was fed lines he knew would fuck with Nick the most. It was working. _How well I know you_. Why would he say that? If only Alex knew what the things he said did to Nick he might stop toying with him. Or maybe he’d love that. Maybe Alex was getting a real kick out of messing with Nick. That would be just like him.

When they got in Nick very much wanted to take a third shower. A cold one. 

-

There was a knock on the door. Not the front door, but the one to his bedroom. Meaning it was Alex. Nick was half undressed; shoes off, jacket thrown over a chair, shirt unbuttoned, but thought that Alex wouldn’t come knocking if it wasn’t important. He considered buttoning up his shirt before getting the door but decided that that would take too long and he just sort of loosely held it together with a hand instead.

They’d only just gotten back in less than an hour ago, and they’d gone their separate ways, that was, to each their separate rooms, just for the time being until they had to go to the airport later that night, or next morning rather. 

Nick opened the door to find Alex standing closer than he’d expected, and, from the look on Alex’s face, closer than he’d expected too. Nick reminded himself to breathe. Alex blinked and did a surprisingly poor job of relaxing.  
“Mr. Bäckström,” he said.   
“Yes?” said Nick, and if he failed at keeping his breathlessness from his voice at the word it was not for lack of trying. “What is it?” 

Though only a narrow strip of skin was exposed by his open shirt, Nick felt like he was fully naked. Like he should cover himself. Like he should hide. Like he should turn away.

“Mr. Bäckström,” Alex said again, “I...” and Nick wondered at the back of his mind if he perhaps should take a step back. Give Alex a bit of place. The thought was too distant for him to act on it, besides, if Alex wanted space he could be the one to take a step. It was a reckless thought, but Nick couldn’t take it back once he’d had it. He only shifted his weight, but Alex must had thought he was about to walk away because he grabbed his arm. The grip was firm, but he let go immediately when he realized what he’d done. “Pardon me. I don’t– I, uh…” Nick realized then and there, that that was the first time Alex had touched him, on purpose that is, since he’d shaken his hand on his first day back. With the realization, heat flared on Nick’s skin through the thin shirt. _Do that again_ , he thought. _Touch me again_.

“Forgive me,” Alex said. But he didn’t make any move to leave. And he still hadn’t said what he wanted, why he’d come knocking. 

“Yeah,” was all Nick said, as if that was a reply that made sense. “No, you’re–” Nick swallowed, “you’re good.” His mouth felt dry. Alex should walk away. Nick needed Alex to walk away, before Nick did something he’d regret. Nick’s eyes caught on Alex’s, not because he was meeting his gaze, but because he wasn’t. Alex was looking lower, at Nick’s mouth. And at his skin where the shirt parted, his chest, his stomach, back up to his mouth, but not in his eyes. 

“Mr. Bäckström…” said Alex and Nick cringed, as he did every time Alex said it.

“Don’t– please...” A beat passed between them as Alex decoded what Nick meant.

“Nick,” Alex said, tentatively, and Nick closed his eyes. And he took a deep breath. And then, finally, Alex said: “Nicke.” His voice was low, throaty almost. That one word was what did in the dam, and the flood it had been held back came rushing. Nick sucked in a breath, and it was deeper than any breath he’d breathed in the last six years. 

Alex hadn’t dropped his hand, it was hovering a couple of inches off of Nick’s arm. Nick thought the warmth he was feeling was radiating off of Alex, like it always seemed to. Nick opened his eyes again to look right at Alex. 

He willed Alex to put his hand back on his arm. Alex didn’t. Instead he lowered his arm slowly and with the tips of his fingers graced the back of Nick’s hand. Nick was drawn to the touch, his hand following the movement, magnetic. Their knuckles brushed. Nick’s heart was beating out of his chest and all the way into his fingertips and in his gut and behind his eyes. Blood rushed to his face as well as to his groin. Nick’s hand nearly twitched, seeking the touch of Alex’s skin. He felt like he ought to be physically restraining himself. Grip his own wrist to hold it back from reaching out for Alex. But Nick didn’t need to. In that very moment he felt, with a rush of adrenaline, Alex’s fingers closing around his wrist. Gently but surely. Alex must have taken a step forward. Or Nick had. He wasn’t sure, he only knew that they were standing even closer than they had been before. They were standing very, very close. Nick felt Alex’s breath across his cheek. Hot. Time had completely stopped. No clock ticked. No car passed by down on the street below. No living being moved. 

Nick had thought about if he would be able to feel the gap from the missing tooth if he kissed Alex. He’d imagine what it might feel like. He’d imagined it _a lot_.  
Alex placed each of his massive hands on either side of Nick’s face, first one and then the one that had circled Nick’s wrist, and as he bent down, Nick rose to his toes and hooked an arm around Alex’s neck and met him in a kiss. It wasn’t gentle. It felt hard, full of momentum, like crashing together. 

Nick did feel it, the gap. He especially felt it when Alex opened his mouth to put his tongue into Nick’s. It almost made him want to laugh for some reason. But the kiss. It was nothing like Nick could ever have imagined. All the elements he was made of lit up. The element that was Nick’s love for Alex caught flame. Nick didn’t stop to think of the use of that word. He’d never said it before. Not even in his mind. Now was not the time to pause and analyze.   
Nick thought they were going to fall. He felt motion, when his feet followed he realized that it was Alex moving. Moving them, Nick backwards, towards the bed behind him. And then they were definitely falling. Only then did the kiss break. Nick landed on the bed, legs over the edge. 

Nick watched Alex as he dropped to his knees in front of him and Nick let himself fall heavily backwards onto the bed. He could have sworn he saw stars on the ceiling of the hotel room. Nick thought he might sink into the bed so deep he would have to settle there, make a brand-new life, live inside the depth of the bed. He was made of electricity. Alex put his hands on Nick’s thighs, and spread out his fingers as to cover as much of Nick as he could and Nick sat back up so he could look at Alex and die and come back to life again. 

Alex pushed apart Nick’s knees and on his own, came closer. He was between Nick’s legs, and he halted there. He looked up at Nick, but neither said a word. Nick leaned his weight on one arm behind him on the bed, and the other be brought around to put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. Alex tipped his head so his cheek was on Nick’s hand, and Nick raised his hand to Alex’s face. He felt his trim beard on his palm. Nick looked at Alex’s gray hair. His light eyes, with a darkness to them now. Alex’s hands slid from Nick’s thighs to his waist. Then to his stomach and he parted Nick’s already open shirt. He moved his hands under Nick’s shirt to his chest, his shoulders and then he slid the shirt off and Nick shrugged out of it, dropping it behind him and immediately forgetting about it. Nick but both of his hands in Alex’s hair then. And he curled his fingers into it, as much as the length of it allowed him to, these days Alex kept it pretty short. Nick leaned down to kiss Alex again, but instead of Nick’s lips, Alex put his mouth to the corner of his mouth. Then his jaw, his chin. His throat. Alex kissed Nick’s neck and his collarbone. His hands were back on Nick’s legs, his fingers were digging in, hands strong, grip hard. 

“Alex,” Nick said finally, he sighed it. He was running his hands through Alex’s hair, tugging at it in places while still pulling him closer. Alex didn’t pull away, he just trailed his kisses downward. Sometimes he’d flick his tongue and Nick would suck in a breath and his brain would short-circuit.

Alex only took his hands off Nick’s thighs in order to get to work on Nick’s belt buckle, then the button, and the zipper.

“Alex.” That was the extent of coherence he could manage just about then. That word only. It seemed that Alex wasn’t much better off.

“Nicke,” he said when he took his mouth off Nick’s skin, and it felt just as good to hear when he said it then as it had before. “Nicke. Nicke, Nicke, Nicke.”

“Alex...” A breath caught in Nick’s throat. Alex. _Alex, Alex, Alex_. “ _Alex_.”  
Nick felt Alex’s breath on his bare skin and he had to blink away the stars all over.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Nick croaked, and Alex hummed. 

In one single motion, Nick lifting his ass to assist him, Alex pulled Nick’s pants down and Nick’s dick as good as sprang free, having strained against the material of his clothes. 

Nick heard nothing but his own breath, loud in his ears like waves crashing. He met Alex’s ice blue eyes for a moment, drawn out longer than Nick thought he’d survive. Alex held his gaze as he put one hand around Nick’s dick. His other hand still gripping Nick’s now naked thigh, and Nick wanted to beg Alex to hold on tighter, to leave bruises on his skin. Nick curled his fingers into Alex’s hair until he thought for sure it must be hurting him, at least a little bit. Alex shifted his hold on Nick’s dick and rubbed his thumb over the tip and Nick’s vision flickered. Alex did it again and Nick sighed deeply, but kept his eyes locked on Alex’s. 

It was Alex who moved and broke their gaze to lean down, and Nick only realized what he was about to do a fraction of a second before Alex put his flat tongue on Nick’s dick and licked along the entire length of it. Nick wasn’t proud of the sound he made, if he’d had any sort of sense left in him he might even be embarrassed, but he could not find it in himself to care right now. Alex licked along the other side as well, and traced his tongue across the tip before taking the entire head into his mouth. Nick watched the movement of Alex’s head as he took him deeper, and made a fully futile effort to suppress a shiver. Nick did his very best to sit completely still while Alex moved his mouth up and down. He pressed his tongue against Nick’s dick, curling it around the tip of it before moving back down, sucking, licking, killing Nick and blowing life back into him again and again as Nick gasped and hummed moaned, Alex’s hand moving at the base to make up for what his mouth couldn’t take. Nick had his hands in Alex’s hair still, not guiding his head, but following the movement.   
Alex. _Alex._   
“Alex.” _Alex Alex Alex Alex_. Nick kept repeating his name. He wasn’t sure how many made it out of his mouth and how many just bounced around inside his head like a mantra, hypnotizing. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex hummed against Nick, and Nick felt the vibration of it in his entire body, up his spine, in his heart.

Nick heard his own heartbeat, and he thought he might be hearing Alex’s too, but that was the only sound in the world. He barely heard the sounds he was himself was making. The wet sounds of Nick’s dick in Alex’s mouth, Alex’s deep him, his shallow breaths, registered only in some distant place where they might only fully present themselves to Nick later, after, haunt him, tease him, drive him crazy. 

Nick came with a hitched breath and a sigh and a tightening grip in Alex’s hair. Nick didn’t know what he’d expected, but when Alex swallowed in a way that seemed practiced, Nick felt a shiver up his spine. Goosebumps rose along his arms. The sky opened up above them and a solitary angel sang. After a moment, he let go of Alex’s hair. He kept his hand on his head. Felt Alex there. They were both still as Nick regained his breath.

_Alex_. Nick thought he’d been losing his mind before. It was now officially gone. Once and for all.

“Alex.” Nick gasped. He wanted to kiss Alex one more time. 

Alex didn’t meet his eye.

“I should go,” he said. Alex? He stood up, Nick’s hand falling away. 

And then he left the room, presumably to go back to his own. Nick didn’t even have time to say anything. Didn’t know what he would say. Wasn’t sure he still remembered how. And Alex was gone again.

Nick was alone in his room. 

It was silent save for the sound of his own breath and the rumbling of the mini-fridge in the corner of the room, too far above the ground for the noise of traffic to make it. Nick’s pants were still around his ankles. His face was hot. His heart was beating hard enough that he thought he saw his vision pulse as he looked around the room. Again, he let himself fall back on the bed. 

_What_ , Nick thought. _What._

What just happened.

-

They were getting on the flight back at the ass crack of dawn. He still had a good few hours until then, though. Nick was pretty much packed already, he hadn’t had much of a chance to unpack. He smoked a cigarette out on the balcony. And then one more. And he didn’t sleep a wink.


	5. Chapter 5

The feelings weren’t new. that was the problem. Alex felt the distinct shape they took inside him. Only now, after all this time, instead of eroding and disappearing, the shape had become polished. Pointed. A sharp edge of it poking into the meat of his heart. And he’d known he couldn’t do anything about it. Well. He shouldn’t. He really _really_ shouldn’t. But then he had. He had something he really shouldn’t have. And it suddenly become completely impossible to keep everything he’d been telling himself from crashing down around him.

Alex’s feelings for Nick, sly and sharp as they had been, were now no longer just a shape in his chest. They were the air he breathed and the water he drank and the bed he slept in and the house he lived in. And that house was on fire. Completely inescapable and all consuming.

They were the reason he’d left in the first place. And now he knew for sure that he had been right to, and that he should have stayed away. 

Alex wasn’t afraid to feel, or ashamed of it. Alex felt deeply. He felt so much that sometimes it felt like feeling was all he was made of. The big problem with feeling was that Alex couldn’t control it. He couldn’t make himself not feel. He couldn’t move the feeling he had for one over to another. Feelings for Nick had dimmed his judgement, rotted all his good sense. They’d made it hard for Alex to focus. Made it impossible to do his job properly. 

So he’d gotten the hell out of there. Before he could have done something completely inappropriate. Or become a risk. What good was security if they weren’t secure. If they couldn’t focus. If they couldn’t even see straight. 

_No good_ was the answer, so Alex had left.

-

Alex had gone away. He’d gone back home. Back to where his family was from. Where it was colder and older and strange and familiar and he’d been around his family and his old friends, Kuzy and Orlov, and that Evgeny Malkin, who Alex still hadn’t quite figured out if he got along with or not. The guy was a mystery. A big goofy-looking mystery, who threw the most temper tantrums out of any grown man Alex knew. 

He’d met a girl while he’d been away. A really nice girl. She’d had green eyes. Blond hair. She’d been nothing like Nick. And she’d gotten increasingly frustrated with the fact that Alex only seemed to be half there when he was with her. And she’d left him. And his heart had been broken all over. But for some reason, the pain conjured the image not of the girl, but of another face entirely. 

And that was when Alex thought that maybe it would be good for him to go back. He’d been away long enough. 

His old agency was more than happy to offer him a job again. He was great at what he did after all.

When they had offered him the very same position as he’d held all those years ago, personal security detail for one Nicklas Bäckström, Alex didn’t know what to say or to think. He’d agreed, against his better judgement. Alex was pretty sure Nick had forgotten about him at this point. It had been years. And he’d been young, had lots of things going on. And he had a billion people around him then, and likely another billion since. 

As it turned out however, Alex quite quickly realized that Nick remembered him perfectly. Alex had assumed that at the off chance that this was the case, Nick might have had some choice words for Alex. Which Alex had later reprimanded himself for, why should he assume that Alex had meant enough to Nick for him to want to confront him about his departure half a decade prior. Alex had been right in a sense. Nick hadn’t said anything.

The first time he saw Nick again there in his office Alex had been struck by how much Nick looked like himself. It was an image frozen in time, and it was a fight to tear his eyes from that face. The same face. Only gradually did Alex notice the differences. Nick did look older. He still had a softness to his cheeks that made Alex want to cup Nick’s face in his hands, but overall his face was less round. The hair was shorter, though only marginally, and Alex got a weird kick out of the idea of Nick refusing, or maybe just neglecting, to change his hair despite years passing. It looked a little darker, maybe it was whatever product he had put in it, maybe it was the light, or maybe Nick had finally stopped bleaching it, grown out of the highlight look finally. His eyes were still the same green, they were as piercing as they’d been back then, maybe even more so, now with the addition of a mature keenness that hadn’t been there before. And by his eyes were fine lines. The years past, were in those lines. But though the face in which they sat had aged, those eyes were the exact same. And there was recognition in them, and something else too, and Alex didn’t know what it was. He’d been looking for a negative reaction, anger, disappointment, even sadness, but he didn’t get one. Nick’s expression had been neutral, but for the surprise. Whatever reaction he’d had he hadn’t let Alex in on it. And just then Alex knew that nothing was the same as it had been. They might have known each other once, but Alex had seen to putting an end to that, regardless of his intentions. So as Alex settled in to his new old job, he kept a low profile. He did his job. He left Nick be. 

Well, he tried to. He really tried to leave him be. 

And then he’d gotten cocky when Nick had let him open up. Of course, he had. He’d started talking, teasing, not quite like he used to, but nonetheless. Alex had been tentative at first, seeing if Nick would warm up to him. And then he had. And Alex had gotten brazen. Arrogant. He thought he would be able to stay cool. He’d really thought that. And he’d been so very wrong. He would like to think that half the blame lay with Nick for playing along, but he’d be fooling himself. Alex was the one who’d gotten carried away. 

-

Nick had dragged Alex across the planet to bring him to some conference. Well he didn’t bring Alex to _bring Alex_ , he brought Alex because it was Alex’s job to follow wherever Nick went, if not to lead the way.

And then Nick had taken Alex out to dinner. Well, he’d gone to dinner and Alex had come along. He had to. That was really the nature of the time they spent together. Even the private was professional. Employer and employee. Nick was his boss, and a client of Alex’s agency. He didn’t hang out with Alex because he wanted to, what they were doing wasn’t hanging out at all, but as they’d settled into a rhythm it had been easy for Alex to pretend. 

Either way, in essence, not exactly peak romance. 

But then Nick had opened the door to his room in an open shirt, and as soon as he had, all thoughts besides the sight of him there had left Alex’s head. He had wanted to say something, or ask something. He’d had a reason to come to Nick’s door. He did not for the life of him remember what it was. Whatever he’d been thinking of completely evaporated and all that was left was the image of Nick. That and nothing else. No sounds, no memories, no senses. Nothing but the glint of green in Nick’s eyes, bright, expectant. The way the light fell on the soft lines of his face.  
And Nick’s hair. It made Alex want to take a cold shower just thinking about it, but there was something about Nick’s hair that made Alex want to twist it around his fingers and pull it.   
His cheeks, making Alex want to cup his face in his hands. His throat. His chest. 

Alex had thought about what Nick might taste like, what he might sound like. He’d imagined What his hot breath would feel like on his skin. He’d imagined it _a lot_. And yet, Nick’s shallow gasps were so completely unexpected. His hands in Alex’s own hair. Nick’s skin. So soft under Alex’s hands. Nick’s smell. His taste. It was so beyond what Alex could have thought up on his own.

Alex was sure that he was going to lose his job. He couldn’t imagine anything else. How could someone who at the mere sight of skin, lost all control, expect to keep his position? Alex usually wasn’t that wild. That undomesticated. Not anymore. He should have turned around, walked away. He should have behaved. God, he really didn’t know what had come over him. That was what he was telling himself. And he almost believed it too. In truth, though, Alex knew exactly what had _come over_ him. He knew why he’d acted the way he did. He hadn’t known why the smooth motions with which he had undressed Nick, the way he’d found his place between Nick’s legs, felt as natural as breathing, and he didn’t know why Nick hadn’t pushed him off. But _why_ he’d done it? _That_ he knew. 

But Nick had kissed him back, hadn’t he? Twisted his fingers into Alex’s hair? Well. Nick might have enjoyed himself, had been in want of having some tension eased. That didn’t change the fact that Alex had acted in a way that was completely out of line. So beyond any boundary, that he wouldn’t even have been able to see that line he’d passed from where he’d been perched, there, between Nick’s knees.

One thing was jacking off in the shower to thoughts of your boss, but getting on your knees for him was a different business entirely.

-

A few hours after Alex had left Nick, naked and spent, in his room, the two met in the front room of the suite, Nick seemingly cool, and Alex making a valiant effort to stay collected and civilized, lest he do something monumentally stupid like drop to his knees again and start begging.

Alex drove Nick and the rental to the airport. He followed Nick into the lounge. He pretended to sleep on the jet until he actually did fall asleep, completely exhausted. He tried to look around Nick, staying focused, without focusing on Nick himself. He didn’t try to talk. Alex was perfectly aware that he was only prolonging the inevitable by avoiding conversation. At the same time, maybe Nick would rather forget. Maybe he’d prefer to pretend nothing happened. In that case Alex decided to keep him mouth shut unless Nick brought it up. 

He’d gone too far. He knew that perfectly well. Maybe Nick would wait until his application for replacement had gone through with the agency before he spoke to Alex about it, maybe Alex would get a call when he came home later. All he knew was the he didn’t expect that Nick would want to keep him around after the previous night. 

All Alex had wanted was just a little more. Just a little bit. A taste. And he’d taken entirely too much. He’d gotten carried away. The fault was his.

*

Alex dozed for most of the flight. Nick was looking at him. Studying his face, his closed eyes, his flat nose, his iron hair. His mouth. God, that mouth should be illegal. Nick shivered. He looked away from Alex. For a little while a least. He tried to distract himself. And he failed. And his eyes drifted back.

Nick had fucked up. He’d been weird. God, it was all weird. But _he’d_ been weird. He’d blown his chance. He’d get left all over again. Nick kept checking his phone, looking at his inbox, as if he’d get a new memo saying that Alex was taking off, even though he was still in the room with him. Alex wasn’t saying anything, but Nick was quite sure that it was because Alex didn’t want to talk about it. If he wanted to forget, pretend it didn’t happen, Nick would let him. He’d keep his mouth shut forever if it meant that Alex would stick around.

But Nick still chided himself. What had gotten into him? Nick was a grown man. And adult. A professional. He was Alex’s employer. God, and he’d blown it. He should have stopped it. He should have said something. Maybe have told Alex _goodnight_ , or even just _see you in a few hours_. He should have thought. Instead of feeling so much he thought he’d drown in it, he should have just _thought_ , for just a single second. Then maybe he’d have realized, before it was too late, what a terrible idea it all was. _So_ inappropriate. Nick felt terrible. Not about hooking up with Alex. That was the thing. It had been, well, fucking incredible, weird and fast and tense and explosive. It had been amazing. And he wanted more. Good god, did he want more. And he shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t. And he couldn’t. And he _wouldn’t_. But _fuck_ , he wanted to.

All Nick knew for sure when they landed back home was that it wouldn’t happen again. A one-time thing may have had been fun. But that had to be it. One and done. They would forget it and move on. And they should. Well, he’d try. Nick would make whatever effort he could muster to try and forget. It was an impossible ask. Alex was already the first thing Nick thought of when he woke up and the last before he went to sleep. But for Alex’s sake, Nick would at least try.

-

The party at Lars Eller’s was less than two days after Nick had returned home from the trip abroad.  
Alex was there to pick Nick up right on time. Maria keeping Alex up to date with Nick’s schedule, which made for very little need for communication between Alex and Nick, which was somehow both very frustrating and an incredible relief. Either way, it didn’t make for any way to relieve the building tension. Nick thought for sure he would burst at the seams with it if Alex didn’t start talking soon. And it had to be Alex. Nick didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what he should say, what he could say. He was scared to death that if he was the one who brought it up he might say the wrong thing and Alex might be gone the next moment. 

The quiet car rides were so much more excruciating now that they felt like exceptions and not the rule. The drive to the Eller residence wasn’t too long, but the entire time Nick felt like was only half able to get his breath. He had a feeling like his body was filling up with something and it was beginning to push at his lungs and his heart from inside. 

Irrationally, Nick worried that Alex was going to wear his tooth, as if that meant anything. He kept finding himself looking at Alex’s mouth in the rearview mirror, like he might catch a glimpse, but Alex was silent and kept his mouth closed and Nick didn’t see anything. As far as Nick knew, Alex hadn’t worn it since that first Event right after he’d first returned.

Alex pulled up in front of the house, and Nick exited the car and Alex did the same. Nick looked at him over the roof and saw Alex open his mouth as if to speak, so Nick waited and watched him.

“About… uh… the other night,” said Alex without meeting Nick’s eye, “I’m sorry, that was completely unprofessional,” he said, paused, swallowed, “it won’t happen again.” And although that was exactly what Nick had been thinking, almost verbatim what he’d been planning on telling Alex himself, Nick felt his stomach drop. 

Before Nick could say anything, though, he heard his name called from somewhere behind him, and he turned his head to see Lars inside the house, waving him in with a big smile on his face. 

Nick thought, stupidly, that at least he’d seen the gap when Alex had spoken. He wasn’t wearing the fake tooth. 

Alex handed the car keys to the valet. Nick could feel him right behind him as he walked in.

-

In the center of the expansive backyard behind the Eller’s massive suburban mansion, a bouncy castle had been erected. It was pink and purple and blue with shapes of clouds and palatial towers. An inflated unicorn with a twinkle of glitter in its eyes guarded the gate to it. There was a rainbow on it too.

Nick had only talked to Lars for a few minutes, before the arrival of more guests or catering or some other delivery had demanded Lars’ attention, and Nick was left with Lars’ wife, Julie, and their daughter Sofia, in the honor of whom this party was being held, and whom was wearing what looked like a dress though in the glare of the sunlight reflecting off the sequins and rhinestones it was honestly hard to tell. 

“Gosh,” said Julie, looking fondly at Sofia, “can you believe she’s five… my little baby.” Sofia was waving around a plastic wand with a star at the tip.

Nick had only known Lars and Julie for a couple of years, but that time had seemed to fly.

“Nick! _Look!_ ” Sofia called, child’s voice shrill, and Nick looked at her, and she lifted up her dress a bit so Nick could see her foot as she stomped on the ground with all her might, and he saw the soles of her shoes light up in with blinking, changing colors. “Did you see? Look!” She did it again.

Nick went down into a squat so he was at eye-height with her.

“Yeah I saw it! That was so cool!” Nick said, animatedly. “Did you get those today?”

“Yeah,” said Sofia. “And this!” She held up the wand.

“Whoa,” Nick said, “that’s really pretty!”

The lights on her shoes had stopped flashing so she stomped her feet again to make them start again. 

“It’s actually– I do it with this,” again she held up the wand, “cus it can do magic, it’s an Elsa wand, and then when I use it the lights come on.”

“Yeah?”

“And then I can also make it stop but only after a while when I want to, I also use this.” She put out one foot and stared intently at it until the lights stopped again. “See?”

“Yeah,” Nick said, smiling at her, “I see it. That’s pretty cool, huh.”

“Yeah,” she said. Then another kid ran past her and she got distracted and decided to chase him around the bouncy castle, laughing and screaming, Nick completely forgotten.

“She was hard-pressed to pick a theme,” said Julie, referring, Nick assumed, to Sofia, “for the party. She wanted magic fairies, and aquatic animals, she’s real big on whales and fish these days, and she wanted blue, just the color. She wanted ice hockey too, though I don’t know where the hell she got that from, we don’t know anyone who plays, she might have seen a game on TV or something.” Julie followed Sofia with her eyes, just to keep track of her, she was smiling as she spoke. “I tried to merge, figured my arguments for thematic coherence would be lost on her.” 

Nick hadn’t really paid much attention to the decorations, but now he saw the helium balloons in the shapes of sharks of different kinds over by the buffet table. He saw streamers in blue, pink, and gold, grinting in the sunlight. Julie herself was wearing a blue dress. She was saying that she didn’t know how to weave the hockey into it all because she just didn’t know a single thing about the sport or knew anyone who did, but she had gone into town to the team store next to the arena and bought Sofia a jersey with the name and number of the player the guy in the store said was the most popular. Sofia had been ecstatic. Someone approached them from Nick’s blind angle, and he turned to see Braden Holtby, a mutual friend of Nick and Lars. He was with his wife. They came over and they each said their hellos, and then Brandi and Julie left, to go inspect the buffet, that’s what they claimed anyway, and Braden was left by the side of the bouncy castle with Nick. 

“You leave the kids at home?” Nick asked Braden, and Braden laughed.

“They’re in there,” Braden said and nodded to the bouncy castle. 

Nick had been handed a drink when he first arrived, but he’d finished it and now he was just standing around with an empty glass.

“You been by the bar yet?”

“Nah, just got here,” Braden said.

“I’m gonna go take a look, can I get you anything? A beer?”

“Sure, a beer would be great actually, thanks.”

“Comin’ right up,” Nick said and headed for the shaded bar on the patio.

“Nick!” Nick turned, but before he saw him he knew who had called– “ _Nicky!_ ” Andre came up to him and poked at Nick’s side with a finger like he wanted to tickle him. To Nick’s surprise, Andre did not have a drink in his hand.

“Andre,” he said. “How’s it going?” He slapped Andre’s hand away when he tried to tickle him again but he did, if unenthusiastically, let Andre reach up and playfully give a lock of Nick’s hair a gentle tug, as he was in the habit of doing, like some primitive greeting. 

“I’m doing amazing,” said Andre, and when he noticed Alex standing some little ways off he called a greeting: “Alex!” Andre did a goofy little curtsy and flashed an impish grin. 

Andre’s salute to Alex had made Nick cringe, though he tried to suppress it, for the sole reason that Nick had been doing a perfectly respectable job of trying to forget that Alex was right there, just a few feet off, because each time he remembered, he was struck with the memory of Alex’s big hands on his thighs and his mouth on his dick, and frankly, this was not the place nor the time for Nick to be thinking about that. So he tried to distract himself. 

“You here on your own?” Nick asked Andre. He was dressed down today, for the casual occasion, in a pastel polo and jeans, his sneakers an unnatural, and frankly unpleasant to look directly at, shade of white. 

“Nope, I came here with John and Gina, she’s inside with the baby, I dunno where John went, though.” 

“Not with Wilson?”

“Tommy? Nah, he had a thing,” Andre said, and Nick seemed to vaguely recall something to do with an ankle monitor but he didn’t ask. “I’m meeting up with him later though,” Andre continued, and then smirked in a fashion so completely devilish and shameless that Nick hoped to God that Andre would spare him the details of their plans. 

Nick got a beer for himself and for Braden, and Andre followed him back to where Braden was standing. 

“Love the hat,” Andre said with a big grin, in lieu of a greeting.

“Good to see you too, Burk,” said Braden.

“Where have you been, I never see you anymore,” Andre said.

“We went to the country for a bit, me and Brandi and the kids.”

“The country, like, farms?”

“Yes, Andre, a farm,” Braden said, not unkindly, and Andre scrunched up his face.

“Were there animals?”

“Yes.”

“You should bring me next time, I think I’d be great at farming.”

“Andre, you’ve never even done a load of laundry in your life,” Nick broke in, “much less any kind of heavy lifting.” Braden laughed at that and Andre pouted.

“I’m a quick study,” Andre said, and as far as Nick knew he was right, but he wasn’t about to give Andre the satisfaction of agreeing with him. “Besides,” Andre added, “I’m excellent company.” Then he flashed that smile of his again. 

Andre had a hungry smile, that was the only way Nick could think of to describe it. Jaunty and hungry.

Nick spent the entire afternoon in a varying state of tension. Tension as a result of forced nonchalance. He was trying his utmost to act normal. Normal shouldn’t have been nearly as hard as it was. Nick suddenly couldn’t remember how he usually stood or walked or how he’d normally talk or what his voice was supposed to sound like. He wanted to be casual. Normal. He knew Alex was watching him, as he always was, and he wanted to show him that nothing had changed. That that night could be forgotten if he wanted it to be. He wanted desperately to show Alex that he was still the same, and that everything could stay the same. It didn’t have to be weird. It wasn’t weird. In fact, things had never been more normal. 

He wasn’t thinking about the confidence of the motion as Alex pulled Nick’s pants down or sounds he’d made when Alex was sucking him off, he wasn’t thinking about his own fingers in Alex’s iron hair. He wasn’t think about Alex peppering kisses down his chest and stomach, or the rumble of his hum. Instead Nick was thinking about shark balloons, the blue punch, and the Braden’s trip to the country, and what a disaster it would be if Andre came along, and the pattern on Gina Carlson’s dress which Nick couldn’t for the life of him figure out if it was birds or dogs. 

He didn’t think about Alex, right at the periphery of his vision in his black suit, he didn’t think about the warmth of Alex’s body, or his hard kiss, or the roughness of his stubble. He didn’t think about his ice blue eyes. He thought about normal things. He acted perfectly normal.

If he was normal, then Alex could stick around. He wouldn’t go away.

So things were normal. The normalest they’d ever been. Nick was cool. And he was normal.

-

After a few hours, Nick decided that he’d had enough, of the party and of the punch. He then made his rounds, said his goodbyes, was held up by Andre who needed to be pointed in the direction someone who’d lace arms with him, and then he’d turned to Alex and let him know that he was ready to go.

Nick hadn’t smoked all day, and he didn’t _need_ to, but he wanted to.

He and Alex stood side by side and waited for the valet to bring the car around.

The valet dropped the keys into Alex’s hand. Then Alex opened the backseat door for Nick to climb in, and Nick did. Then, in the time it took for Alex to walk around the car and get behind the wheel, Nick changed his mind. He opened the door again and got back out of the car in smooth motion. Then the opened the passenger seat door and slipped in, and he landed in his seat at nearly the same exact time as Alex did. 

Alex looked at him with unconcealed puzzlement. He just stared at Nick for a second but then he accepted it with a nod and slammed his own door shut and Nick did the same. 

“Home?” Alex asked as he pulled away from the house and out of the cul-de-sac.

“Yeah,” Nick said but barely any sound came out, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “ _Yes, <7em>” he said. “Please.”_

_Nick felt like he’d gotten something stuck in his throat. It might be his own goddamned heart for all he knew. He felt his pulse right underneath his skin. He felt hot. He felt a little wild. He felt like even he wasn’t quite sure what he was about to do or say. He tried to keep himself in check and thought to himself that he was doing an immaculate job of it, all things considered._

_Nick was tired. He’d had a long day. He felt wound up tight, and the only way he could think of to relieve the pressure was to talk. He didn’t quite know where to start, but thought surely anything would be better than nothing._

_“That was fun,” he said._

_“Sure,” Alex said._

_“You get your turn in the bouncy castle?” Nick was pretty sure the joke was going to fall flat but he said it anyway. Jokes were normal. All he was doing was letting Alex know that he was his same old witty self. Alex looked at him with a single raised eyebrow. “Alright, bouncy castles not your thing, that’s fair.”_

_Nick wasn’t sure what he’d been trying to accomplish by sitting in the passenger seat rather than in the back seat. All that had done was to make Nick have to turn his body to look at Alex instead of just looking in the rearview mirror. He couldn’t hide sitting right next to Alex as he could when he was sitting behind him. maybe that had been the point. Maybe he didn’t want to hide._

_“Speak for yourself,” Alex said, “I love a good bouncy castle.” Nick turned again to look at him. Alex’s eyes were back on the road. Nick thought he sensed the pressure ease, if only a fraction._

_A moment of silence passed. It was not nearly as awful a silence as it had been on the drive out._

_A question was budding in Nick’s head. It’s roots bulging and relentlessly breaking up the concrete of Nick’s thoughts. It kept growing as they drove towards the city, the leaves of it rustling with the rush of blood in Nick’s ears and branches creaking as it bent to fit inside him. It grew until the only direction for it to expand was out of Nick’s mouth and so, though he hadn’t meant to, and wasn’t quite sure he wanted to, he had to ask it. He cleared his throat._

_“Are you going to leave again?” Nick asked, tentative. He forced himself to look at Alex. “Because, you know, you don’t have to. I’m sorry.”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was… inappropriate. Nick cleared his throat. “To say the least.”_

_“It… no,” Alex said, and Nick frowned._

_“No what?”_

_“ _No._ ”_

_“No _what?_ ”_

_A beat passed as Alex looked to be considering his words._

_“You’re not… are you going to let me go?” he asked._

_“Let you go? Fire you? why would I fire you?”_

_“Because… wait,” said Alex. Nick waited, and Alex turned a corner._

_They were in the city now where the streets were narrower. Alex pulled the car up to the curb in front of a random building and idled there._

_He continued, “because, it was… I’m… I shouldn’t, I got carried away, I shouldn’t have let that happen, it was completely unprofessional of me.” He stumbled his way through the sentence. “You shouldn’t let me stay.”_

_“What are you talking about? Do you want to go? Do you want to leave?”_

_Another beat. Alex ran both hands through his hair. He kept shooting quick looks at Nick but he wasn’t meeting Nick’s glance for more than half a second at a time._

_“No,” said Alex._

_“Do you regret it? what happened?”_

_“Do you?” Alex shot back, but Nick just looked at him, waiting for an answer. “No.” Alex said, and then tried again: “you?”_

_“No.” Alex looked at Nick. _Actually_ looked at him. “No,” Nick said again. And then: “huh...”_

_“What?” Alex asked._

_“It’s just… It– This isn’t… what I– How I expected this to go.”_

_“No?”_

_“Nope.”_

_Nick watched Alex take a breath before speaking. “You disappointed?”_

_A beat._

_“No.”_

_After a moment of silence Alex huffed as he put his hands back on the wheel and pulled back onto the road. Nick looked over to see the corner of his mouth twitching upwards like he was trying to not to smile._

_“What?” Nick asked._

_“Nothing,” Alex said. “Just didn’t know you were so good with children, is all.”_

_“I’m great with kids.”_

_“I noticed.”_

_“Whatever,” Nick said but he couldn’t help but crack a small smile himself._

_Alex drove up in front of Nick’s building. Alex must have thought that Nick was lost in thought or hadn’t noticed that they’d arrived because he said: “this is you.”_

_Nick was looking out of the window. He had noticed. And he was thinking. And he had an idea. And he decided he might as well give it a shot._

_“Would you like… Do you want to–” Nick cleared his throat, “come up?”_

_Alex blinked, surprised. Nick didn’t know how he should feel about Alex not expecting an invitation. It was out of the blue. But after the conversation, maybe…_

_“I…” Alex began, then trailed off. Nick almost swore out loud. He shouldn’t have asked. It was too much. And too fast. And too… he didn’t know, he just knew that he messed up. Again._

_“I’m sorry–” Nick started to apologize, but Alex cut him off._

_“No,” he said, “I would. I do.” And now it was Nick’s turn to stare. He had been the one to ask but he had also, he realized, been expecting to get rejected. And he wasn’t. He hadn’t been. And it was Nick’s turn to look surprised. “I’d like that very much,” Alex said._

_They drove around the building to park the car in the garage, and instead of letting Nick out and driving off, Alex got out with him, and they walked to the elevator together._

_-_

_“You want a drink?”_

_“I can’t d–”_

_“Drink on the job, I _know_ , but you’re not on the job anymore. _See? <7em>” Nick gestured to himself, and then vaguely around the room “I’m home, and in one piece. Means you’re off the clock.” Nick shrugged out of his jacket and threw it over a chair. “Now, would you like a drink?”__

__Alex looked at him for a moment and then said, tentatively: “What are you having?”_ _

__“How’d you feel about a G &T?”_ _

__“I think I’d feel pretty good,” Alex said._ _

__“Yeah?” Alex nodded. “Perfect.”_ _

__Nick made them each a drink, with his set of chrome drink-making tools. Then he dropped a wedge of lime into each glass finally, and handed one to Alex, who thanked him and took a sip._ _

__“Not bad,” said Alex with a smirk._ _

__Nick stood for a moment by the counter and didn’t really know where to look know where to look._ _

__He wanted to look at Alex and nowhere else. And he wanted Alex to look at him. And he felt tired from a day spent outside, and sticky from the sun, and he wanted to get out of his clothes for more reasons than one._ _

__Then he lifted his glass and swallowed a good third of his drink in a couple of deep gulps._ _

__“I’m,” Nick said, “going to take a shower.”_ _

__“A shower?”_ _

__“Yes,” said Nick, resolutely._ _

__“Right.” Alex huffed._ _

__Then Nick drank about half of what was left in his glass and set it down on the counter._ _

__“Right now.”_ _

__And so he left his unfinished drink and a bemused looking Alex, whose eyes he felt boring into him as he left the room._ _

__

__*_ _

__

__Right, Alex thought, a fucking shower._ _

__Nick had invited Alex up to his home and made him a drink only to go take a fucking shower. Alex downed what was left of his drink in own gulp. He glanced around the room. Everything about Nick’s place was a testament to a life of luxury. All smooth surfaces and open spaces. White and chrome. Tall windows. Sharp corners. Black leather furniture. Lamps in shapes that made you want to refer to them as _light fixtures_ or _pieces_._ _

__Nick had left Alex in the open living room of his apartment, but he’d also left the door to his bedroom ajar, through which Alex heard the water come on._ _

__He should leave Nick to his shower, maybe have another drink in the meantime._ _

__He looked over at the counter, at the bottles and the cutting board with half a lime lying face down on it._ _

__He almost walked over to fix himself a second drink. And then he didn’t. He put his glass down on the nearest flat surface; a low wooden table of some dark grain. Then he went to the counter and finished Nick’s drink, picking up the lime wedge and sucked on it before dropping it back into the glass._ _

__Then he walked over to the door to the bedroom, left open. From there he saw the door to the adjoining bathroom too was left ajar._ _

__Alex shook his head. This was ridiculous. Then he sighed. Then he gave a nod to the empty room, or maybe to himself._ _

__Alex took off his shoes and socks. His jacket too, threw it over the back of a chair that he passed as he padded barefoot through Nick’s minimalist bedroom. Steam was leaving the room through the open crack in heavy, lazy wisps. Alex knocked on the door with a knuckle and from the force, though slight, the door opened an inch further.  
The bathroom was, like every other room in the apartment, streamlines and oversized. He could fit roughly three of the bathrooms in Alex’s own apartment in there._ _

__

__“Nick?”_ _

__Alex could see through the open door, right through the steamy room, Nick standing behind the glass door to the shower. Through the fog on the glass Alex saw Nick turn his head and he wiped a circle of the steam away with a hand and looked at Alex without a word. He looked Alex over, down to his bare feet and back up to his face, met his eyes, and he raised one eyebrow._ _

__Alex looked around the room. Nick’s clothes were draped over the counter in a halfhearted attempt at neatness. The mirror above the counter with the double sinks was completely fogged up too. The little window in the steam on the glass between them was disappearing and Alex couldn’t see where Nick was looking, only that his head was still turned in his direction. Nick stood so the water so it fell on the front of his body, his chest, his face, and he held his chin up to keep his eyes clear of it._ _

__“Nick,” Alex said though his voice was a little breathy and not much sound came out, and the word was drowned in the sound of running water. “Nicke.”_ _

__Nick turned his head back so the water was again falling on his chin and he was no longer looking at Alex. Then, with one hand, and without looking, Nick pushed the glass door to the shower open._ _

__From across the room, unobscured by steamed up glass, Alex had a perfect view of the smooth line of Nick’s back and the curve of his ass, a view which made Alex want to drop to his knees right where he stood. He didn’t. Instead he began to undo the buttons of his white shirt. He forced himself to do it properly, and not just rip it open at the front like some feral thing. One button at a time, and with each he took a breath, in on one, out on the next, and as he did he took slow steps towards Nick, who was doing a commendable job of pretending not to notice, or at least like he didn’t care. When he finally reached the final button, he was beyond the patience to do anything but just drop it to the floor. He undid his belt, the zipper and button, and dropped his pants and pushed down his boxers and stepped out of both on the next stride he took._ _

__He stepped into the shower cabin and closed the glass door after him like that would make any difference, water already having splattered the tiles around the opening. Only then did Nick turn again to look at him._ _

__The water was hot. Nick’s skin, his face, but his neck and chest and the shoulders too, were pink from it. Nick’s eyes were bright, wide, light. Expectant. And they fell on the chains around Alex’s neck. From one a solid gold cross hung. They were not delicate jewelry, they were heavy, substantial, and Alex never ever took them off. Nick reached up with a hand to touch, cautiously, with reverence almost. Nick hooked a finger in one of the chains and gave it a light, playful tug._ _

__Alex didn’t budge, he met Nick’s glance, steady as the steam rose around them. The chains clicked against each other as Nick let go of the one he’d lifted._ _

__“Hey,” Nick said._ _

__“Hi.”_ _

__Nick reached up and with a wet hand he pushed Alex’s hair away from his forehead. Alex watched Nick regard his face. Nick traced lines along Alex’s brow and cheek with a finger. Nick met Alex’s eyes._ _

__“You drunk?” Alex asked. It wasn’t accusatory, but Alex needed to know that Nick was sure about what he was doing._ _

__Nick was probably a little tipsy, Alex knew as much, but not so much so that he didn’t know what Alex was really asking._ _

__“No,” Nick said, “I’m… fine.” Then he cracked a crooked smile, “I’m… better than fine.”_ _

__As the water soaked Nick’s hair through, Alex put his fingers in it at the nape of Nick’s neck, and he curled his fingers into the wet hair and he tugged, not hard, just enough for Nick to lean with it, exposing his neck. Something deep within Alex wanted to just sink his teeth in._ _

__This kiss wasn’t hard like the first one, not as rushed, it was without a full decade of momentum._ _

__This wasn’t crashing, it was more like melting. Alex gently pressed his lips to Nick’s. Just once. A single soft kiss. Then he parted from him. Alex cupped Nick’s soft jaw with a hand and with his thumb he brushed Nick’s lower lip and the corner of his mouth. And he watched Nick mouth part. And Nick’s eyes were on Alex’s own, meeting his gaze, steady and challenging and encouraging and clear all at once. Alex brushed Nick’s lip again. Nick opened his mouth a little wider, inviting, and Alex slipped his finger in. Nick closed his lips around Alex’s thumb and inside his mouth he pressed his tongue against it. Alex didn’t mean to let his own mouth fall open, and he closed it when he realized, but not before he saw Nick smile around his finger. Alex slipped thumb from Nick’s hot mouth so he could put his hand back into Nick’s now wet hair. Nick’s hands were on Alex’s shoulders, his biceps, his chest, his stomach, feeling his skin, the hard muscle underneath, the soft dark hair that grew on Alex’s chest and belly. Then he draped his arms around Alex’s neck and left them there._ _

__Alex let his hands roam down the back of Nick’s neck, trailing fingertips along his spine, feeling Nick shiver, down to the small of Nick’s back and the round of his ass, which he gave a firm squeeze and chuckled when Nick gasped._ _

__Then Alex reached between them to take Nick’s cock in his hand and with a sigh Nick’s eyes fell shut. Alex put his lips to whatever spot of Nick’s skin he could reach as he began gently stroking, slowly at first, and then speeding up gradually as he heard Nick’s breath begin to hitch. Nick leaned into him and breathed deeply against Alex’s neck._ _

__“You like that?” Alex murmured into Nick’s ear, kissed his cheekbone and jaw._ _

__The only word that made it past Nick’s lips is the softest _yes_ Alex had ever heard and it made his gut tighten, with both arousal and with emotion, deep and acute._ _

__Nick was no more talkative when he came into Alex’s hand, than he had been the other night. Alex felt his sigh as much as heard it._ _

__Nick held on to Alex, his arms locked around his neck, face hidden against Alex’s shoulder. The water ran hot, steam continuing to rise around them and still Alex felt him tremble. Alex put a knuckle under Nick’s chin and bent his own head down to press his cheek to Nick’s, and he held him close with hand on the small of his back._ _

__“Don’t go,” Nick said, “don’t go. _Stay_.” And Alex did. He stayed right where he was. _ _

__He didn’t run away, he didn’t move at all, he just stayed there with Nick, water running into his eyes and mouth as he kissed Nick’s collarbone and his neck and felt goosebumps rise on Nick’s skin, and Alex kissed the spot right underneath Nick’s ear and his closed eyelids and the tip of his pointy nose and then his mouth._ _

__Nick’s hands found Alex’s, and he thought Nick would lace their fingers together, but Nick didn’t. Instead he took hold of each of Alex’s wrists. And though Alex was both bigger and stronger than Nick, he let Nick lift his arms up and pin them against the tiled wall on either side of his head, making Alex take a step back. The tiles on the wall were cool against Alex’s back, making him shiver. Alex let Nick hold him there and watched as Nick studied him._ _

__Alex hadn’t touched himself yet, and Nick wasn’t doing it either, and Alex was so hard he ached with it. Nick seemed to know, in the way he licked his lips and pressed his body against Alex, trapping Alex’s dick between them. Alex groaned._ _

__“Stay,” Nick breathed, and grinded slowly against Alex. “ _Stay_.” Nick was moving against him, leisurely but unrelenting. Alex felt lightheaded, and tipped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. _ _

__“Stay,” said Nick again, into Alex’s throat just at the line of his stubble, before he put his mouth on the skin and first pinched it between his teeth, not hard enough to break the it, but enough to make Alex gasp, and then Nick began sucking at the sensitive spot._ _

__With each motion of Nick’s hips against him, Alex saw stars on the inside of his eyelids. Nick let go of one of Alex’s wrist to take hold on the heavy cross that hung from the chain around Alex’s neck, a kind of leverage as he worked on Alex’s throat._ _

__Nick let go of the Alex’s other hand too and finally, and Alex silently thanked God, took Alex’s dick in his firm grip, though he kept the pace of his hand unhurried as before like he was deliberately trying to make Alex’s knees give before he could make him come._ _

__Alex grasped at the slick wet wall behind for something to hold on to but found no purchase, so he put his hands on Nick instead, in his hair, holding Nick’s head in place against his throat as Nick kept sucking and biting at the skin._ _

__“Nicke,” Alex hissed, and Alex felt Nick smile against his throat. “God, _fuck_ , Nicke.”   
This seemed to be the encouragement Nick needed to finally increase the tempo of his hand on Alex’s dick. “Oh my god,” Alex gasped, and he moaned when Nick rubbed his thumb over the head. Alex wasn’t quiet, not like Nick was, and he wasn’t trying to be either. “Nick– _fuck_. _Nicke_. Nicke, Nicke, Nicke.”_ _

__“Alex…”_ _

__The sound Alex made when he finally came was not unlike a sob. Nick had stopped sucking at the spot on Alex’s neck, but he had his mouth against the skin still._ _

__Nick put his hand under the running water to rinse it off and then he put his arms around Alex’s waist._ _

__Alex let go of Nick’s hair in order to cradle Nick’s head against him. They stood like that, together, under the running water, feeling each other’s heartbeats, Alex’s still racing from his orgasm, and each other’s’ breath, Nick’s steadying and warm on Alex’s skin._ _

__Alex wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, it was so long he thought they might melt together, from the water and the heat and their heartbeats and the adrenaline high. They might just become one creature, breathing in the steam._ _

__

__At one point Nick let go of Alex to reach behind him and turn off the water. His eyelids were heavy, his smile soft._ _

__They dried off in comfortable silence with Nick’s expensive, fluffy, white towels. Then Nick took Alex by the hand, lacing his fingers with Alex’s, and he took him to bed._ _


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: listened to Ocean Between the Waves by The War On Drugs on repeat for like 3 hours while working on this.

Nick woke up in his own bed, feeling more rested than he had all week. 

He woke up in his own bed, but was for the first time in, hell, Nick didn’t even remember, not alone in it. 

He woke up feeling full and warm and good. _Happy_ was the word. 

Nick woke up distinctly happy. 

And there was Alex. Dozing. Skin soft and burning hot. Nick was coming to slowly. He was comfortable. And he was naked. He didn’t usually sleep naked. He didn’t usually do anything naked. But he couldn’t be bothered to put anything on last night before going to sleep, and Alex didn’t seem to give a damn about getting dressed, so Nick hadn’t really seen the point.

He wasn’t sure if Alex was awake. Nick just listened to his breathing for moment. Slow. Deep. Nick still hadn’t opened his eyes. He didn’t know what time it was, and he didn’t care.

He wanted to curl into Alex’s body. Hide there. Have Alex close his arms around him. Shut out the light and the world. Nick wanted to live in a universe made only of Alex’s body and of this bed. Nick thought he’d never known another body as warm and as solid as Alex’s, never known one so safe. 

If he had, he didn’t remember. 

Nick hadn’t realized how utterly starved for affection he had been until Alex had put his hands on him, and Nick never ever wanted him to take them off. The feelings of skin on skin, the warmth of another body. A strange wave of emotion rolled in his gut. Alex’s body, massive and heavy and hot and right there, with and arm under Nick’s head and a bent leg between Nick’s knees. That it should be Alex who was the one who finally held Nick close to him, who finally touched him. It felt like a dream. Too good to be true. But Nick also knew that it never could have been any other way. If it wasn’t Alex, then it would be no one at all. He wouldn’t have anybody else. 

These were scary thoughts. Scarier still because Nick also knew that they were completely true. If Alex hadn’t come back, if he hadn’t let Nick in, then Nick would have kept on as he was, fine and alone, and he would have stayed that way, as solitary as before, loneliness taking bites out of him until there was nothing left. Because it could never be anybody else. Only Alex. Forever and ever. Nick swallowed against another wash of that emotion inside him.

Nick looked at Alex. _Happy_. The unnamed emotion hummed in Nick’s guts and under his skin, but much more immediate and undeniable was the happiness. He shifted closer, so his face was only inches from Alex’s.

Nick watched as Alex opened one eye and peered at him. Nick pulled up the cover in front of his mouth so his morning breath wouldn’t be the first taste Alex got of him. For a moment, they just looked at each other, then Alex shifted and the drew up his leg, the one nested between Nick’s, and Nick drew in a sharp breath. Alex grinned his big toothless grin. 

“Don’t you have somewhere to be today?” he asked, voice deep from sleep.

Nick groaned in response. 

Instead of saying anything he untangled himself from Alex with great effort and then rolled out of bed with a grunt. His phone was in the pocket of the pants he’d worn the day before which were still in the bathroom where he’d left his clothes. He padded over to get it, then walked straight back and threw himself onto the bed in the same spot he’d been in before. 

He opened his recent calls – he had a missed one from his mother – and pressed the second name on the list. The other end of the line was picked up after a single ring.

_“Mr. Bäckström?”_

“Maria, hey.”

_“Good morning!”_

“Yeah, good morning to you too, um, Maria, can you clear the day for me?”

_“Clear the day, Mr. Bäckström?”_

“Yeah, yes, cancel, well, everything?”

_“Are you alright?”_

“Yes, thank you, I am, never better in fact. There’s no issue is there?”

_“Of course not, schedule cleared, have a nice day, Mr. Bäckström.”_

“You too, Maria. See you tomorrow.” Nick hung up.

Nick knew that Maria couldn’t just _clear the day_ , that she’d have to make calls and reschedule appointments, and he felt a little bad for springing this on her and thought that he ought to get her something as thanks, he was making a mental note to ask her if there was anything she wanted when Alex threw his heavy arm around Nick and pulled him close. Phone fell from Nick’s hand and then off the bed and clattered onto the floor, and work and guilt and Maria was forgotten.

“D’you look at that, free all day, what a coincidence,” Nick said and grinned as Alex wrapped his other arm around him too.

“You better get that little miracle worker something for her troubles,” Alex said as he pulled Nick on top of him.

“Don’t worry, I will, I will,” Nick said and settled a knee on either side of Alex so he was straddling him. 

Alex put his hands on Nick’s ass, cupping it, and Nick planted a hand on either side of Alex’s head. On Alex’s neck was the big red hickey Nick had put there while they’d been in the shower the night before. Nick kissed it.

He pulled away to look at the hickey again and thought that the collar of Alex’s shirt probably wouldn’t be high enough to cover it, and the thought of that mark he’d put there all on display almost made him light-headed.

Nick noticed then, for the first time, the big black design on Alex’s ribs. A tattoo. Text. Big curling letters. Alex noticed him looking and let Nick maneuver his arm so he could get a better look and read what it said. He met Alex’s eye, but Alex didn’t start talking and Nick figured it wasn’t something he was feeling all too keen on explaining right then, so Nick didn’t ask. Nick didn’t have any tattoos of his own and wasn’t planning on getting any, but something about the look of it on Alex was heat pool in Nick’s stomach. With a light touch he grazed it with his fingertips to try and see if he feel the ink underneath the skin.

“You got more?” Nick asked and licked his lips.

“Yeah,” Alex said.

“Where?”

“Small of my back.”

“A _tramp stamp_?” Nick asked with raised eyebrows.

“ _Not_ a tramp stamp.”

Nick got off of Alex and settled next to him and pushed at Alex to roll over so he could see. Nick pulled down the covers and saw the two black characters on either side of Alex spine just above the curve his ass. Nick touched them too, then decided to come back to this later.

-

They eventually tumbled out of bed. Nick went to his closet and pulled on a pair of boxers from a drawer, he took his bathrobe off a hook and threw it across the room to Alex. It would definitely be a little small on him but Nick was pretty sure it would probably close around the middle.

“Can I put on music?”

“I’ll do it. I don’t need Russian techno in the morning.”

“What, you really think that’s the only thing I listen to?” Alex asked, mock-offended.

“Was once.”

“Would you believe me if I said my tastes have become a bit more refined since then?” Alex asked and Nick barked a laugh. “Whatever, just give me your phone.”

“You can just tell Alexa.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tell Alexa. To play something.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Uh, no?”

Alex threw his head back with laughter as Nick just looked at him bemusedly, not really understanding what was so funny.

Nick found apples and kale in his fridge, he didn’t have any spinach, but he did have a lemon and a couple of carrots. In the freezer, he found a bag of frozen blueberries. From a cupboard, he got chia seeds and protein powder (a new kind he was trying out, also made from mushrooms, but a different brand than the kind he usually used.) All of that went into the blender. Nick found two tall glasses in a different cupboard. He poured what he estimated to be an equal amount of the concoction in each.

Nick had been right about Alex being able to tie the robe closed, but only just. Nick pretend not to feel Alex watching him as he puttered around the kitchen. 

“What the hell is that?”

“A smoothie?”

“It’s green.”

“Yeah, it’s a _green smoothie_.”

“Damn, I really hoped you were joking,” Alex said. “Is it any good?” he asked and Nick handed him a full glass in response.

“Try some,” he said. 

Alex took a gulp and looked at Nick with was Nick assumed was an attempt at a neutral expression.

“Please tell me it’s at least healthy.”

“Very healthy,” said Nick

“Yeah, tastes like it.”

“Who’s picky now!”

“Still you. This isn’t food. Doesn’t count.” Alex still drank it, but he did complain the whole time. 

Nick rolled his eyes. Tasty had never been the point of it. 

Nick was slow about finishing his own smoothie as he leaned against the counter while Alex made what he referred to as “real breakfast”, made up of whatever Alex had found around the kitchen. Eggs, toast, tomatoes. Potatoes? Other vegetables from Nick’s fridge that he hadn’t even known were in there. And Alex fried everything in butter.

“That’s a lot of carbs,” Nick said, eyeing Alex’s growing breakfast project.

“Why’d you this stuff if you didn’t plan on eating it?” Alex asked.

“I didn’t say that,” Nick said defensively, and Alex just chuckled.

They sat down to eat side by side at Nick’s oversized dining table, the glossy finish cold, close enough for their knees to touch.

-

After they’d finished eating and Nick had loaded the dishwasher, (Alex had begun the task but Nick had quickly taken over, all the while explaining to him why it was completely normal to insist that the dishwasher was loaded in a very specific way and that Nick was not the weird one out of the two) they got dressed. Nick in fresh clothes and Alex in the ones he’s worn the previous evening. 

Alex might have fit into Nick’s bathrobe, but they both knew perfectly well that he wouldn’t fit into Nick’s regular clothes. Nick wasn’t a small guy, but Alex was built like something out of legend, that clothes even existed in his size was something of a wonder to Nick. 

“Hey you wanna…” Nick started, but his voice had come out too loud and he’d almost startled himself. He cleared his throat and took a second to remember how he’d been planning on finishing that sentence. “I don’t know, go for a drive or something?” 

“A drive?”

“Yeah.”

Alex looked at him for a moment, raising an eyebrow. Nick hoped that this wasn’t a weird thing to ask. He suddenly felt like he had to be careful. Be even more careful. The closer Alex came to him, the more cautious Nick wanted to be. It was stupid. Nick should relax. He finally had Alex exactly where he wanted him, and instead of letting go of his anxiety, he just wound it around himself even tighter. 

He was suddenly second guessing everything he was saying. He felt dumb. He thought Alex might at any moment point at him and laugh, saying _got you real good_ , break his heart. 

What the closeness was doing to Nick was show him just how much he suddenly had to lose. 

“Yeah, alright, sure,” Alex said, and Nick blinked, having forgotten, lost in his own thoughts, that he’d even asked a question, “if we can stop by my place so I can change.”

“Yeah, alright, of course.”

-

“Can I drive?” Nick asked when they got to the car, Alex having gone for the driver’s side. 

“You can drive?” he asked.

“Of course I can drive,” Nick said, like that was the most ridiculous question he’d ever heard, even though it really wasn’t and for all Alex knew Nick was driven everywhere and had never had any reason to learn to do it himself. 

Alex seemed to consider for a moment, probably trying to remember if there was a clause in the contract about it, but then he nodded.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, and turned and walked to the passenger side door instead. 

Nick was aware that he had been quiet ever since the got in the car. Suddenly lost in his own head. The smile he’d woken up wearing was falling. He felt oddly nervous. He didn’t like it.

Alex gave Nick directions to his place and Nick felt an odd pang about the fact that he hadn’t even known where Alex lived. Maybe he should have let Alex drive. Too late for that now. They got to Alex’s place and Alex told Nick he could just wait in the car and he’d be back in five. Before Nick could say anything, Alex had left the car and slammed the door behind him. And just as promised Alex was back in his seat only a little more than five minutes later, though in those five short minutes Nick had had plenty of time to tell himself five hundred stories about why Alex might not want him to come up to his apartment, and Nick jumped in his seat when Alex pulled the door open and Nick shook his head at himself when he realized that he’d half expected that Alex wouldn’t come back down at all. 

Alex was now in jeans like he’d been that one evening they’d gone out to eat while away for that conference. Different jeans, Nick was pretty sure, but jeans nonetheless. And a long-sleeved tee. It looked soft. Nick wanted to touch it. He didn’t. He kept both his hands firmly on the wheel.

Nick pulled out of the lot and onto the road and was very grateful that Alex didn’t ask where they were going because Nick honestly didn’t know.

Nick still wasn’t talking but Alex made an executive decision to break the silence.

“You, uh, you’ve come into your own.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, with the company, you really know what you’re doing.”

“You saying you’re surprised? Should I be offended?”

“No, I’m saying, I don’t know, I’ve just been watching you these last few month, I’ve been thinking, if the Nick I first met could see you now.”

“God. I’m glad he can’t. He’d be horrified.”

“I don’t think so. I think he’d be proud. I think you should be proud.”

Nick didn’t know what to say.

“I know you used to say you couldn’t wait to get out, but you’re really good at this, and yeah, you didn’t go rogue and fuck off somewhere, but you’ve carved out a space for yourself here.”

“I’m becoming my father.”

“You’re not. I promise you you’re not.”

“You’re only saying that cus I’d kick you out of the car if you agreed with me.”

“No,” Alex said firmly. “I’m saying it because I’ve met your father, and I know your father. You’re not him. You’re making this your own. Shaping it into something _you_ can be proud of. _You_. Not your father.”

“He’s afraid I’m gonna run this entire thing into the ground.”

“And I like to think I know you well enough to know that that alone, would be reason enough for you to succeed.”

“So I’m spiteful?” Nick said with a raised eyebrow. 

Alex flashed him a grin.

“Oh yes, definitely. But you’re also proud and you’re smart and you’re savvy. You’re a good friend. Not cold. Not arrogant. You’re a hard worker. Too hard if you ask me.”

Nick’s throat was beginning to feel a little tight. He swallowed.

“And what would you know about that?” he asked.

“It’s literally my job to follow you everywhere and watch you,” Alex said. 

Right. Fair enough. 

Nick thought there was nothing that would make his head feel more like cotton candy than Alex touching him, kissing him, but hearing Alex praise him like this made Nick feel like me might not have a head at all. This was all _so much_. It was so much more than Nick had expected. It became harder and harder to swallow against the lump in his throat. 

They drove on. They were headed out of the city. Nick kept going. Both were silent for a while again as miles of road passed by beneath them. 

Nick kept his eyes on the road as he burrowed all the way inside his own head and then tried to get back out of there to say something again. He didn’t know how long they’d been driving in silence for. Alex was staying quiet alongside him, waiting for Nick to figure it out. 

When they passed a sign for an upcoming rest stop Nick pulled right so he could turn in there when they got to it.

The small lot was empty except for a single truck at the far end. Nick pulled up to the curb with little regard for the white lines painted on the concrete to mark single parking spaces. 

“Hey,” Nick said, finally. 

It felt like the silence had gone on forever. Like Nick had never spoken before this very moment. This was speech invented. It was completely foreign and unpredictable. Nick prayed he wouldn’t self-destruct trying this navigate it. Words were brand new and the meaning of them felt just out of his comprehension. He was afraid that in trying to say one thing he might be saying something else entirely. He decided to go simple. Go short. Pick his very first words with caution. 

“I… I’m sorry.” He sucked in a deep breath. Breathing was just as strange as talking. Nick turned towards Alex and looked out through the window right by his head without actually looking at him, but he could still see Alex watching him intently. Nick would have really liked a cigarette just about now.

“Sorry?” Alex echoed. “About what?” 

“You know…” Nick said. He wasn’t actually sure Alex knew. He wasn’t even sure he fully knew himself. 

“Know what?”

“I feel– I feel… bad.”

“ _Bad?_ ” The note in Alex voice might just have been a fragment of Nick’s imagination. Wishful thinking. Or maybe it wasn’t. Words were out now. Might as well just go for it from here.

“I feel, well, like I’m taking advantage of you.”

First Alex just looked at him and blinked. Then he threw his head back and laughed.

“ _You?_ taking advantage? Of _me?_ ” Alex snickered. He looked at Nick. “How so?”

“I’m your _boss_.”

“Yes?”

“I shouldn’t,” he said. “I _shouldn’t_.” Nick covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry. God.”

“Hey,” Alex said. “Hey, hey, Nick, hey.” Alex took hold of Nick’s wrists and Nick failed to suppress a shiver. “Nick, don’t. Don’t apologize. Do you feel bad about what happened?” Alex asked. “About what’s happening? Between us?” Alex gently pulled Nick’s hands away from his face so he could look into his eyes. “Nick?”

“What?” said Nick. “ _No_. I don’t. At all. That’s the worst part!”

“You don’t regret it,” Alex said. Not a question.

“No,” Nick said in a soft voice after a short pause. “I don’t.”

“Then explain to me what the problem is,” Alex said. “You want me,” he said, and Nick felt his face and ears heat up, and was sure, if he could see himself right then, he’d see a pink blush blooming. “And I want you.” Alex swallowed. “That’s– that hardly sounds like a problem to me.”

Alex did have a point. Nick thought for a second.

“Last time,” he then began, “or, when you left, was it… was it me? did I do something? Say something?”

“ _What?_ ” Alex said, incredulous. “ _No_. No, it…”

“God. I thought… I was so sure… I thought I had said something, gone too far, said– said _something_ , made you uncomfortable.” Nick was shaking his head. “I thought I’d done something. I was so… I…” he didn’t dare say it, he couldn’t say it, not yet. “I was so, well, _obsesse_ d with you.” He laughed, breathy and nervous. His breaths felt shallow.

“No,” Alex said again. “It wasn’t you. It _wasn’t_ … well it was and it wasn’t. It wasn’t because you did something, but it was, I guess it was because of you.” Alex took a deep breath. “I had to go– Or, I _thought_ I had to, before I did something, something that would put you off, I thought I was going to slip up, and do something stupid. I couldn’t focus.” Alex met Nick’s eye. “All I saw was you,” he said.

Nick laughed shakily. “Doesn’t sound too bad, wasn’t that your job after all? Keep an eye on me?”

“I saw just you. Only you. Nothing else.”

And at this Nick was quiet. The _oh_ wasn’t spoken, but it was implied in his silence.

“I knew I wasn’t any good to you that way, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t… couldn’t _protect_ you, I couldn’t _think_. And you– we… we got along so well, we were _friends_ , and I didn’t want to ruin that, by doing something… I don’t know.”

“So you decided to just leave? You thought you might _protect_ me by leaving?” Nick suddenly wanted to cry. He wanted to take back the last six years. He thought he might dissolve, turn to mist and blow away. “I… we… we both…” Nick ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck,” he breathed. Sighed. “I missed you,” he said. “I missed you so much I thought I’d just… fall apart from it. I waited for you to come back. And I thought you’d, I don’t know… call? I thought I’d hear from you. And then I didn’t, and I thought… I guess I thought that meant you didn’t want anything to do with me. So yeah, I thought it was me… I thought it was me.” 

“I’m sorry,” said Alex. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he chanted. “I missed you. I should have said something, instead of just taking off, but I just… I was just– I was just the bodyguard, I–”

“Alex, you were never– you were _never_ just _the bodyguard_.” And now Nick really was crying, softly, and he only realized because Alex reached up a hand and with his thumb wiped a tear off his cheek. “You were never _just_ anything.” Nick looked in Alex’s eyes, saw his own reflection in them, saw that they too were wet and about to spill over. “You were everything,” he said. “You are… _God_ , Alex, you’re _everything_.”

Inside Nick he felt an uncoiling. The lump on his throat had dislodged. He breathed. Really breathed.

“I’m,” Nick cleared his throat. “I am glad you came back.”

Alex had his hand on Nick’s face. He was stroking Nick’s cheek. They were both awkwardly turned in their seats. The car felt hot. Stuffy. Nick also noticed that they were both leaning in, seatbelts straining. Nick leaned back and unbuckled. He felt Alex’s eyes follow. Then Nick got out of the car in what he intended to be a resolute motion. He walked around the car to the front and leaned back against the hood of it. Alex followed just a few seconds later. 

Nick padded himself down but didn’t have his cigarettes on him. He almost pushed off to go look in the car, but Alex interrupted his train of thought.

“Those’ll kill ya, you know,” he said, reading Nick’s mind. 

Nick just shot Alex a glance and rolled his eyes but he stayed where he was. 

The breeze was cool. The sun was high above them. There were a few clouds lazily drifting across the sky. The weather was less harsh than it had been earlier that week. Sun less scalding. Air less humid. Calmer. Easier.

“You know, I thought I’d be settled down by now too,” Nick said when Alex was settled against the car beside him.

“Huh?”

“You said, at the diner a few weeks ago, you said you thought I’d have settled down by now, have a family of my own, that kind of thing.”

“Yeah.”

“And you were surprised I didn’t. I guess used to think…” Nick paused. Dragged his hand over his face. “I mean, it’s not that I didn’t want to, that I wasn’t… ready, or whatever. I do want to. I guess. I wouldn’t mind,” Nick swallowed rather than clearing his throat, “I guess I could see myself, uh, settling...”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah I’m… I haven’t been, like, looking. I didn’t– I don’t want just… anyway, you should hear my mother, she’s worried I’m gonna die alone. I’ve been busy though, I’ve been– I mean, I _am_ , I’m so busy, _too_ busy. My work’s my entire life. Can’t really expect anyone to put up with that. Besides, throwing yourself into work… it’s no issue being on your own when you’re too busy to notice anyway.”

“And how’s that life been treating you?”

“Hey, you told me you’ve been doing the same.”

“I’m not judging you, you’re right, I did, I have, I just…”

“That’s not the kind of life I’m meant to have.”

“What kind of life?”

“Wife, kids… dog. It’s not me. Not in this life.”

“You’re good with kids,” Alex said. 

“I _like_ kids. But it’s not– I don’t think that’s me. I don’t know if I… have room?”

“ _Room?_ ”

“In… my life. I guess,” Nick said. “The company, I’m about to take over from my father. And then there’s my family... my friends.”

“What friends?” Alex teased.

“I have friends!” Nick said. “I mean. _I have friends_. But they’re all, Alex, it’s all peripheral. It’s like, it all moves _around_ me. And I’m just…” he drew in a long breath, “tired. I’m just tired, of… of being alone?” Nick ran a hand through his hair. “I think I might… I think I feel very alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“I know,” said Alex. “I know. I…”

“And if you– _with_ you… I’m not, I wouldn’t.” Nick said. “God that sounds like… I don’t know what it sounds like, but I don’t–” Nick gave a humorless chuckle. “Alex, I don’t... I don’t need anything else. I don’t _want_ anyone else.”

Nick was worrying at a spot on his neck without thinking and Alex took his hand. 

“In another life, maybe, I’ll have the kind of life my parents expected me to have,” Nick continued. He was looking at his hand in Alex’s.

“Another life? What, _next_ life?” Alex asked.

“I was thinking more like, in another universe.”

“Another universe? Parallel dimension?”

“Yeah,” Nick snorted. “Something like that.”

“I think in another life, I might’ve been famous.”

“Famous?” Nick raised an eyebrow. 

He liked this. Alex was good at this. Changing the subject, instead of talking in circles. All Nick did was talk in circles. Alex knew when to press on but he also knew when to change the subject, relieve the tension. Alex was so good. He was brilliant. He was a thing of wonder. Nick was more than happy to play ball.

“Yeah, like an athlete maybe, something like that,” Alex said.

“Oh really? You any good at sports?”

“Good? I’m better than good.”

“Alright then, what sport then?”

“I don’t know, could be any. Basketball, maybe. Or something physical. Like hockey.”

“Ice hockey? Hah!” Nick nudged Alex’s shoulder with his own. “I’d pay to see that.”

“Well in another life you would. I’d be selling out stadiums.”

“You alone?”

“Me and my team.”

“Right,” Nick was grinning now. “Of course.”

“You started.”

“And when you’re passing pucks what’ll I be doing? Screaming in the stands?”

“Passing? I’d be scoring!”

“Sure thing, big guy.”

“And then you can be the passer.”

“Me? Pro sports? Don’t think so.”

“Not with the attitude, that’s for damn sure,” Alex said and smiled at Nick, a smile so much softer than any you’d expect a guy that looked like Alex did would be able to smile. 

A beat of silence passed between them.

“I met a girl,” Alex said then, “while I was away.” Nick looked at Alex. He swallowed a wave of nausea. _Relax_ , Nick told himself. _Relax_. Alex wouldn’t be telling Nick about this if he didn’t have a point. And Alex told Nick about the girl. No crude details, little else than a timeline, really. And Nick didn’t think, while he listened, didn’t feel until he’s heard the end of it. No point in breaking his own heart prematurely. Might as well put it off a couple of minutes if he could.

“It was never gonna last though.” Alex huffed, a half-hearted laugh under his breath. He bit his lip. “I wasn’t good to her. I mean in hindsight, I don’t think I really cared. I liked her. I liked her a lot. But only when she was there, as soon as she was somewhere else I just forgot about her. But I wasn’t that good to her. I… cus I never thought she was, you know, _the one_. She always felt, like, temporary I guess. Like I was only with her while I was waiting…” Alex trailed off.

“Waiting?” Nick asked, “for what?” He had to hear him say it. He needed to hear it.

“ _You_ , idiot,” said Alex. “There was only ever you.” 

_You_ , thought Nick. _Me. Only ever_. The heart that Nick had tried to bridle, had broken a hundred times over, over the course of the last hour alone. 

“So she dumped me,” Alex continued. Laughed once, self-deprecatingly. “Because she knew. She knew all along. Not about you, specifically. But she knew that she was never going to have me, you know, fully, completely, y’know, she knew. And when she left, it sucked, of course it did, and I was hurting all over, but I think she just, I guess, tore the seams of an old wound.” 

Alex was tapping his fingers on the hood of the car as he was talking. “After she’d gone though, I didn’t– I didn’t miss her. I…” Alex paused. Breathed. “I just missed you.” _Only ever_. “All over. And I thought maybe, I don’t know, maybe I’d been gone long enough. Maybe I should come back. So, I did.”

_Only ever. All over._

_You came back,_ Nick thought. Sighed. That heart that had gotten completely away from Nick was now settling itself back into his chest, mending itself, melting, heating him up from within.

“Yeah,” Alex said. Nick must have said it out loud. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. “I did.” Then he chuckled. “So you ain’t getting rid of me that easy after all.”

Nick had to laugh. 

“ _Easy?_ ”

“What?”

“I… I don’t… know what to say, I– God.” Nick felt tears sting his eyes again and he looked up to keep them from falling. “You gonna stick around this time then?”

“Have you not heard a single thing I’ve just said?”

“I have, I did,” said Nick. “I just… Say it again.” _Please_.

“Yeah, I’ll stick around. If you’ll have me.”

“ _If I’ll have you_ … yeah, yes, Alex, I’ll have you. God. If you’ll have me right back.”

“I think… I could probably manage.”

“Yeah, real funny. You’ve had me for 11 years already, if you knew it or not.”

“Fuck, 11 years. It’s really been that long?”

“Really has.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. Fuck.”

They got back in the car not long after. This time Alex took the wheel and Nick got in the passenger side. 

As Alex drove back to the city Nick watched him. And he could tell Alex knew he was being watched, by the way the corner of his mouth quirked up.  
Alex was beautiful. With his missing tooth and his flat broken nose and his wide brow. His hair, almost completely gray, like iron. His ice blue eyes. The line of his jaw under the trim beard. His strong body. He was so solid. He wasn’t exactly graceful, but, God, he was so beautiful. 

And Alex was funny too. He wasn’t the funniest guy in the world, but he was the guy who made Nick laugh harder than anyone else. Made him cover his face with his hand and gasp for breath. Maybe it was Alex’s own laugh, loud and infectious as it was. It resounded in Nick and made his own laughter multiply, made the tears roll. Alex wasn’t laughing right in this moment but Nick still smiled just thinking about it. And Nick loved him. He loved Alex. He loved him more than he loved anyone else in the world. Nick startled himself with the thought, but he realized right away that it was true. Alex was the one he loved the most. Alex was who he loved truest and deepest. 

-

Six years of separation. One strange anticlimactic reunion. And then a catalyst. Fuck. Nick had been so completely consumed, so fully caught up in his own head and he never even thought, he never once considered that those feelings he’d been agonizing over might be, well, reciprocated. He’d imagined, sure. But never believed. 

Nick had never been so happy about being wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter!!! They all went up in less than 48 hours so like, it's not really that special to anyone but me but hey! Final chapter. Let's GO!

Alex knew Nick wasn’t trying to pick a fight. He knew it from his tone, and he knew it because he knew Nick well enough to _know_. But at the same time, he couldn’t just _let it go_. Nick was from a different world, and there were things he didn’t consider because he’d just never had to, growing up the way that he had. 

“…but this is something we gotta talk about, I’m not just gotta drop everything–” 

“You could quit, it’s not like–”

“I can’t just _quit working_ , Nick. I know you’re used to getting whatever you want–”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not gonna drop my own life to go be in yours, be your _paramour_. I get it, your work is important. The company is important. _You’re_ important. And you’re– you’re used to things working out.” 

Nick closed the door to the oven, having checked on the vegetables, with perhaps a bit more force than was actually needed. Alex was at a cupboard taking out four wineglasses, two in each hand.

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean? I’m _spoiled?_ ”

“Nick, please,” Alex said. “It’s because you’re good at working shit out. In part. But I need to know that you know that this probably won’t be easy. I’m willing to change my life to make this work. Hell, I _want_ to. But it’s gonna take real work. Compromise.”

“I _know_ that,” said Nick, sounding offended at the implication. 

Alex might have misjudged his timing. Now was probably not the best time to have this discussion. 

Well, it was too late to change that now. 

“Alex, I’m not some spoiled kid.” 

Alex’s heart drop a little bit at that, he didn’t know what to say next.

The doorbell rang through the apartment, loud and sharp, startling Alex. 

“Shit,” he said, “sorry. Nick, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

The Holtbys were coming over for dinner at Nick’s. Braden and Brandi and the kids. It would be them at the door. This was in part what they’d been arguing about. Nick had invited Alex to join. _You sure_ , Alex had asked. _Of course_ , Nick had said. The conversation had been a little longer than that. Alex was feeling strangely nervous. 

In essence, he was worried that it was going to be _weird_. That was the word he’d used. The invitation itself was perfectly innocent. It was only, Nick had made a comment later, and Alex felt kind of stupid now because he didn’t even remember exactly what he’d said, but it had been about Alex joining him, something about Nick bringing him, it had been the way he’d phrased it, it had made Alex sound like a sort of accessory. And no, the timing wasn’t great, but Alex hadn’t been able to let it go. But now he had a sudden knot in his stomach. He might have taken it too far, overreacted, gotten carried away in his righteousness. 

“I’ll get the door,” Nick said.

Alex had met the Holtbys before. Or maybe _met_ wasn’t quite the word. He’d been there, standing by the wall, scanning crowds, while Nick had been with the Holtbys. He’d been in proximity of the Holtbys before. He had seen them and they might have seen him, but chances were that even if they had, they wouldn’t remember. He wasn’t completely sure which one he’d prefer. 

*

Nick felt a tension that had otherwise almost left him completely, creep back up his spine. He’d said something stupid. He hadn’t thought. He’d messed up again. He might have ruined the evening. Nick was glad of the interruption. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know where the conversation might have gone. Not tonight. 

He stood ready by the elevator door when it opened and the small Holtby family tumbled out, kids blonde and bouncing, though they stilled a bit as they were shepherded into the apartment by patient parents. Braden was in his weekend flannel, beard bigger than Nick had seen in in a while, and he leaned in to give Nick a one-armed hug, while still holding his son’s hand with the other. 

Brandi had been holding the hand of the youngest, but Belle had gotten shy when she saw Nick so Brandi had picked her up so she could come over and give Nick a hug as well. Alex had hung back in the kitchen at first but he came over to make proper greetings.

“Braden, Brandi, this is my–” Nick gestured to Alex and his heart thumped in his chest. He didn’t know how he should end the sentence. He felt too old for a word like _boyfriend_ , besides he felt like he could hardly use that word about a man whose hair was nearly fully gray. _Partner_ reminded him of his business associates. _Friend_ was out of the question, and he didn’t even consider _lover_. 

He should have thought of this before, he should have figured out how to introduce him before he’d had to. He went through all of that in the matter of a second. His eyes shifted to Alex who looked a little stiff and with a shiver down his spine Nick realized that Alex might be worried that he was going to introduce him as his _bodyguard_. 

“Alex,” was what he ended up going with. _My Alex_. “Alex. Brandi, Braden.” 

If anyone had noticed the delay, no one commented on it. Everyone smiled and shook hands, Brandi kissed Alex’s cheek. 

A bit of the tension fell away again when Nick saw how natural Alex was with his friends. Alex’s evening wasn’t ruined. Nick breathed a little easier. Braden clapped Nick on the shoulder. He’d come over to stand right beside him.

“You alright, bud?” Braden asked.

“Huh?” Nick said, “yeah, yeah I’m good. And you?”

“Yeah, I’m grand,” Braden said with a smile, “just looked like you zoned out for a second there.”

“I did?” Nick asked and cleared his throat, “well I’m good,” he said again, “I’m good. Thanks for asking.”

“’Course, man.” Braden looked at him. “You get a haircut?”

“Just a trim,” Nick said, self-consciously pushing a now almost too short lock of hair behind his ear. Not the haircut his mother would have been hoping for, but the only one she was going to get.

“Looks good, man,” Braden said with an appraising nod.

“Thanks.”

It didn’t take much for the kids to warm up to Nick, he’d always had a way with children, but they were warier of Alex. He was a complete stranger, and even that besides, he was also big as a mountain, and though he was only a handful of years older than the kids’ own parents, he looked older than that still, and he was smiling brightly at them but Nick didn’t know if the missing tooth would endear him to them or if it would have rather the opposite effect. 

Nick had watched Alex stoop down to his knee to make introductions and with encouragement from his dad, Ben had bravely come over and shaken Alex’s hand. _My name is Alex, what’s yours? Ben? Hi, Ben_. Brandi had put Belle down, but she was still holding on tightly to her mother’s hand. Nick couldn’t help but smile. For all Nick knew, Alex didn’t have much experience with kids in any capacity, but the effort he made, made Nick’s knees feel soft and his chest gooey. 

Nick has set up a station on the kitchen counter to fix all who so desired a gin & tonic. He had made sure to have soda in his fridge too in case the Holtby kids were allowed that sort of thing. 

Nick took a moment while he was looking for straws in a drawer, to take a deep breath. This evening was for catching up with friends, introducing them to Alex, introducing Alex to them and to a part of his life that he until now hadn’t been able to take part of. It was going to be a good evening.

-

“You made all this?” Brandi asked Nick when they finally sat down to eat. 

“Well, we did,” Nick said and nodded towards Alex. 

Nick was in honesty not much of a cook, but on rare occasions he did like to make the effort, and when he did he’d usually end up doing a pretty decent job. Alex, it turned out, wasn’t much more advanced than Nick was, but together they had put made a more than adequate family friendly meal, though the mood had grown increasingly tense as they had, but hopefully that didn’t show in the flavor profile.

Alex was sitting across from Nick. He looked happy and comfortable, he was sitting next to Braden, and they were talking. The conversation seemed easy to Nick, Alex fit right in. Nick hadn’t doubted for a second that he would. Alex could be both loud and abrasive, but as it turned out, he was gentle and calm around kids, and he had also clicked with Braden and Brandi right away. How much of that had to do with the fact the Holtbys were some of the kindest people Nick had ever met, Nick didn’t know, but that Alex got along with some of his closest friends filled him with such a deep and sweet happiness that he had to sit there for a moment and just feel it, revel in it. 

The kids were both sitting next to a parent, Ben next to Braden, and Belle next to Brandi.

The conversation did eventually fall on Alex and what he did and Nick decidedly let Alex answer the question however he was most comfortable. 

“I’m in the personal security sector,” Alex said. “I’m a bodyguard.”

“That how you wound up with that winning smile?” Brandi asked, teasing.

“Yeah,” Alex replied with a light laugh. “It was also how Nick and I originally met, actually. He was my very first proper assignment back in, when was it, ’06?”

“’07, I think,” Nick supplied.

“Holy shit,” said Braden.

“ _Language_ ,” Brandi hissed at him.

“Holy shit,” Belle parroted, and Brandi shot Braden a look.

“You’ve known old Nick longer than I have then,” Braden said.

“Yeah, I suppose I have.”

“Twice as long just about,” said Braden.

“You work for him long?” Brandi asked Alex.

“A few years,” Alex said. “But we didn’t, uh…” Alex looked at Nick.

“We only reconnected recently,” Nick said, “Alex spent a few years overseas.”

“Oh, yeah?” 

“Yeah, I just returned this year,” Alex continued.

“Bet it was like you never even left,” Braden said, and Nick almost choked on half a laugh which he managed to pull off as a cough.

“Pretty much,” Alex said, with a smile easier than one Nick could have managed. “It just made sense,” Alex said, “clicked right away.” He was looking at Nick as he said it and Nick wanted to laugh, but he just shook his head at him instead. 

Just then Belle crawled from her own chair, under Brandi’s arm and onto her lap which naturally seemed to prompt a change of subject. Brandi started refilling everyone’s wineglasses, and Nick saw Ben poking his dad’s arm. He had a question he wanted to ask Alex. Braden told Ben that he should ask Alex himself but Ben got shy and hid his face behind Braden’s arm, and so Braden let himself be messenger and passed the question on to Alex who answered patiently and, seemingly to Nick, in a way like he was being careful to explain so Ben would understand, and he was looking at Ben, who had come back out from behind Braden, as he was talking. 

Belle, from under Brandi’s reaching arm, stuck out her hand in Nick’s direction and he turned in his seat to look at it. Her fingernails were painted in the colors of the rainbow, each tiny nail a different color. 

“Wow! I love your nails,” Nick told her, in a low sort of voice as if they were sharing a secret.

“Daddy did it,” she told him in the same secretive tone. 

Nick held his hand gingerly under hers as if to inspect Braden’s handiwork. 

“It’s very pretty,” Nick said, “you think I could get him to do mine as well?”

“No!” Belle said, giggling.

“All you gotta do is ask,” Braden said from across the table, but Nick ignored him. 

Braden went back to his conversation with Alex. Brandi was talking with Ben who was telling her about something he’d done or something he’d watched. 

Nick directed his attention back to Belle.

“Do you have a favorite color?” he asked her, and she nodded solemnly. “Yeah? which one? Show me?” 

Belle considered both of her hands for a moment and then held out her left hand and curled all her fingers except her middle finger to show Nick.

“The orange,” she said.

“That’s actually my favorite too,” Nick said. 

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah, really,” he assured her. “Hey, Belle, you should show your dad which one is your favorite. Show your dad and Alex the orange one.” 

“Okay,” she said and straightened in her seat on her mother’s lap and held up her middle finger for Braden and Alex to see. “Look!” she said, and they both did, and Alex immediately started laughing, as did Ben, who was old enough to know that she was doing something bad, even if he didn’t know what it meant.

“Very nice,” Braden said with a pointed look at Nick.

“Isn’t it just?” agreed Nick.

When they had finished eating and the kids couldn’t sit still for much longer, Nick and Brandi left the table with Ben and Belle at their heels, and went to Nick’s guest room where they set up camp for the kids with a small mountain of pillows on the bed, a blanket and a tube of mini M&Ms for each, and a laptop playing something called _She-Ra and The Princesses of Power._

-

When they came back, Alex and Braden were by the windows looking out over the lit-up city, looking at traffic moving below. One of them had put on music, something alternative and mellow, Braden’s choice by the sound of it. 

“You heard this one?” Braden asked Nick as he came back into the room, referring to the music, Nick assumed.

“Can’t say I have,” Nick said. 

Braden often liked to play music he liked or had recently discovered to Nick. At least a good third of the content of Nick’s various playlists were artists and songs that Braden had showed him. The song currently playing was good. 

Brandi went over and draped her arms around Braden’s neck and he put his hands on hers where they were clasped together. Nick didn’t linger. 

“Anyone care for another glass of wine?” he asked the room. “A second G&T? Or should I make coffee?”

“Coffee, please,” said Brandi.

“Coffee,” Braden agreed.

“Alex?” Nick asked.

“I’ll come help you,” Alex said, instead of answering the question.

“You don’t have to,” Nick said, “I got it.”

“Didn’t ask,” Alex said already walking to the kitchen.

Nick’s coffee machine had more settings that he knew what to do with. He didn’t make his own coffee nearly as often as he had Maria pick something up. Alex didn’t say anything so neither did Nick. Nick found the coffee capsules in a drawer and picked out four all in the same color. Alex opened the cupboard where the coffee cups where and took out one regular one and a smaller espresso cup and held them up. Nick tipped his chin up at the espresso cup and Alex nodded in acknowledgement and put the bigger cup back and took out three more of the smaller ones and brought them over to Nick and the coffee machine. 

As Nick placed a cup under the spout of the machine and pressed the button, Alex came up behind him and put his hands around Nick’s waist. Still, neither spoke. Alex pinned Nick against the counter as he pressed himself flush against Nick’s back. Goosebumps rose on Nick’s arms as he felt Alex’s breath on his neck. Alex pressed a kiss to the spot behind Nick’s ear and Nick put both hands flat against the counter as to not knock anything over. Alex kissed the same spot again, and then he buried his nose in Nick’s hair and breathed in and Nick tried to take steady breaths as he replaced the full cup with an empty one and put in a new capsule. Then Alex let go. Nick felt suddenly cold, but he only looked to the side at Alex who’s gone to lean against the counter beside him and now wasn’t meeting his gaze.

Nick and Alex both had an espresso cup in each hand as they came back into the room. Braden let go of Brandi’s shoulders to take a cup from Nick, and Brandi took the other.

“I like it,” he said, referring to the music, the song had changed but it sounded like the same artist. He asked Braden: “who is this?”

They went and sat around Nick’s low coffee table, in fashionable leather chairs that each had cost more than Nick would care to admit, and he was glad no one cared enough about furniture or Italian design to ask. They talked. The Holtbys told Alex stories about Nick from the years they had known him, which more or less coincided with the years when Alex had not, and in turn Alex told them about the Nick he had first met a decade ago, about the highlights and the hair gel and the little rebellions, and he told them about himself. Nick didn’t say much. He found he didn’t have an awful lot to say, sitting here with his friends and with Alex, listening to them, filled his heart so completely that there was no room for him to think of stories of his own. 

Around midnight someone made a joke not being as young and spry as they once were and that they couldn’t stay up as long as they used to and the Holtbys called a cab to go home.

They found both kids asleep on the big bed, the movie or show or whatever it was still playing. Each parent took on the delicate task of carefully excavating a sleeping child from the pillow fort around them. Ben started to wake up with a sleepy groan as Braden lifted him, but went back to sleep before he’d even come all the way around.

 _Goodbye_ s and _this was great_ s and _so nice to meet you_ s and _see you soon_ s were exchanged in hushed voices.

The elevator door closed on Braden and Brandi, each with a sleeping child in their arms, and Nick could hear the soft _going down_ from inside before it descended. Nick sighed. Alex was standing by his side. The evening had been a success. He’d had fun. He was happy. He was also tired. 

*

Braden’s music was still playing. Or maybe whatever he had put on had ended and something else was playing now. The music was soft. It was very different from what Alex usually listened to, but it did sound kind of similar to some of the stuff he’d found on Nick’s countless untitled playlists.

Nick turned and went to the kitchen to get started on clearing up, leaving Alex where he was.  
Alex stood leaning against the wall by the doorway to the room watching him for a moment. Nick looked tired but he didn’t look angry. Thank god, he didn’t look angry. Alex pushed off the wall with his shoulder and he came over while Nick was going between the kitchen and the table, Alex swooped in and took Nick’s smaller hands in his own before he could grab any more stuff to put away. He pulled Nick out onto the floor and started stepping gently from side to side. First Nick looked confused and then sort of annoyed, but Alex wasn’t letting go. 

“Come on, Nicke,” he said, “dance with me.” 

*

Nick saw something in Alex’s eyes that seemed to be moving and swimming, the ice blue swirling and crashing, and under the surface, deep as the universe beyond the blue of the sky. Alex’s hands were warm. His touch was tender. His grip was firm. 

*

Alex laced his fingers with Nick’s and Nick looked at him with a raised eyebrow but then curled his own fingers around Alex’s hands.

Nick just stood there for a second, but then he sighed and begrudgingly started swaying along to the music together with Alex. 

“See? It’s not so bad.”

Nick was looking past Alex’s face, over his shoulder, Alex had his back to the floor-to-ceiling windows, but thought Nick was probably looking out at the city, bright below them. He was breathing softly, but Alex thought he could feel Nick’s pulse in his palms, and it was racing.

“Nick,” Alex said. “Nicke.”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me,” Alex said, and Nick did.

Nick huffed and Alex was pretty sure the twitch of Nick’s mouth was him trying to hold back a smile. What they were doing hardly qualified as dancing. It barely followed the beat of the music, though slow, they were moving even slower. Alex took Nick’s hands and put them on his own shoulders, and Nick tentatively laced his fingers together behind Alex’s neck. Alex put his hands on Nick’s hips, feeling the heat of skin through his clothes. 

The corner of Nick’s mouth dropped then, his not-quite-a-smile became no smile at all. He still let Alex sway him.

“Alex, listen, I get it if– if–” Nick said, “while you’re working for me– I can’t– you–” Nick fumbled with his words, and Alex didn’t want to cut him off but he wanted to hear the end of the thought even less. And more than anything, Alex knew that he did not want to pick their argument from earlier back up. Not tonight. They’d talk about it again at some point, but right now was not the time. 

“I believe in this.” Alex held Nick’s gaze, not letting it go. “Us,” he said and Nick huffed. It was cheesy, Alex knew that, but he meant it. “And not just cus we’ve come too far to turn back now.” Alex wanted the half smile back. He longed for it. “Listen, it’s fine, really,” said Alex. “We’ll figure it out, I’m not worried.”

“I’m sorry I’m no good at this, and I don’t know how…” Nick said. He wasn’t listening, he was getting in his own head “I’m your boss,” he went on, “and I’m so busy all the time, I’m never home, and I can’t just– but I can’t just– I mean you have your job, your work, and I have mine, and I’m–”

“Nick, hey, Nick, _shut up_ ,” Alex let go of Nick’s hips to take his face in his hands. “Listen, Nicke, _breathe_.” 

Nick shut up. He listened. Breathed. Alex tried to imagine what Nick must get like when there was no one around to pull him back down to earth when he got lost in his own head like this. No wonder he picked up a habit like smoking, gross as it was.

“This thing,” Alex said, “it’s gonna last.” Nick didn’t say anything. “I told you. I’m sticking around. As long as you’ll have me. We’ll figure it out. We’ll talk about it. We’ll figure everything out. And it doesn’t have to be today. I’m sticking around. We got all the time in the world to figure it out. I’m. Sticking. Around.” Nick opened his mouth to speak and Alex interrupted before he could. “And don’t apologize,” he said, and Nick didn’t. “I can talk to my agency, maybe ask about a transfer, something like that, and you, well, frankly, you should work less.”

“Alex–”

“You work too much, Nick, but listen, we’ll figure something out. We will.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Nick said. 

“We’ll figure it out,” Alex repeated. “And I don’t think you’re a spoiled kid, I don’t, and I don’t know either, I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. Or how to do this. Neither of us ever had much practice.” At this Nick just snorted. Alex continued: “all I know is where I wanna begin. He put a knuckle under Nick’s chin and lifted his face to his own. “I’m sorry you were alone.” Alex was aware of the irony of his apology when he’d just told Nick to stop apologizing, but he continued anyway. “I’m sorry you’ve been lonely. That’s where I want to start. I want to make it up to you. All the time I was gone. For the rest of my life. As long as I’m around you’ll never have to be on your own again.” These were grand proclamations. Definitive. Bold. And Alex _felt_ bold. He felt sure. He felt completely certain and he felt in love. He decided he should say that. “You know how I know?” Nick looked at him. He didn’t speak but the look in his eyes said _go on_. “I know because I love you.” 

Alex watched Nick. Watched his entire face. The pink of his mouth, the color rising on his cheeks. Nick looking at Alex, studying him, with his green eyes. Like sunlight through a bottle. 

They were still swaying. Nick’s eyes were wet and they were wide and they were sure. Confidence was taking the place of uncertainty. Trust replacing anxiety. Courage overtook hesitation. It was all in Nick’s green eyes.

“I love you, Alex. You know I love you, right? You evem know how long I loved you for?” Nick said. 

Alex felt a grin spread across his face, he couldn’t hold it back even if he wanted to. 

“How many guesses do I get?” Alex said with laughter in his voice.

“I can’t promise you I’ll ever stop being difficult,” Nick said.

“I wouldn’t want you to.”

They stood swaying in silence for a little while in silence.

“Did you have a good time tonight?” Nick asked.

“I did.”

“I told you it would be fine.”

“You did.”

“And I was right.”

“You usually are, aren’t you?”

“I am.”

Alex saw Nick’s eyes fixing on his mouth.

“I don’t know if I ever told you,” said Nick.

“Told me what?” Alex breathed.

“I’m glad you never got that tooth fixed.”

“Huh?”

“If you had I would have knocked it out again myself.”

“That so?” Alex grinned, showing that gap in his smile and with it Nick’s own smile widened. 

He’d almost put the fake tooth in tonight, he hadn’t wanted Nick’s friends to make judgements, Nick had assured him they wouldn’t. He’d been right. Alex had left the plastic tooth at home, and now he was glad he had.

“I love you,” Nick said. And then he kissed Alex. Soft a first, then deeper, harder, until he was all out of breath. Then he pulled back, enough so that Alex could meet his eyes. He smirked.

“You’re into the hooligan look, huh?” he said and Nick rolled his eyes.

“Maybe I am.” 

“Hey, Nick.”

“What?”

“I get it about the kids,” Alex said, “but do you think I could change your mind about getting a dog?” And there it was, the smile. Not hidden or small, but wide and crooked. 

*

Nick felt sort of silly, just swaying with Alex in the middle of the room. He felt sort of silly about a lot of things. He felt completely silly about Alex. He looked at him, and the warmth in his eyes, and the warmth of his hand on the small of Nick’s back, and the warmth the was spreading inside him, it all made him completely and absolutely silly. He felt giddy and irrational. He kissed Alex again. 

Nick felt nervous too. He felt hot. He felt like he was bursting at the seams. He also felt calm. He felt sure. Sure about Alex. Sure about what Alex was saying. Sure that he believed him. To his core, he believed him. To his core, he knew that this would work. He knew it in his bones and in his blood. Knew it in every hair that stood on end on his arms and down his spine as Alex pulled him close and twisted his fingers into the curls at the nape of his neck. He knew they really would last. He was Nick and Alex was Alex after all. There was no other way it could be. Not in this life. They were meant to be. And though it probably wouldn’t be easy, it really was that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!! This is the longest thing I've ever written and, like, finished. _Ever_ ever. So thanks all for joining me on this extremely silly journey! 
> 
> Love u see u around

**Author's Note:**

> Jo didn't really make me, she just made a suggestion and I went ahead and ran with it. Thanks Jo, owe it all to you regardless. This one's 4 u!
> 
> Thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated unless you know anything about what real bodyguards actually do because I don't care and I don't want to know!
> 
> (I'm on tumblr @ barebevil and on twitter @ kittynorville)


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